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Go Nigel, Go!
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Would You Like To Buy My Monkeys?
Oct
16
The Bizarro Husband
by Leslie
David abandons my daughter, cheats on me and shoots up drugs with my mother…in my dreams.
In life, he’s the greatest husband. He makes me laugh. He rubs my gnarly feet. He makes me feel beautiful even when I’m wearing ill-fitting clothes, need a haircut and have a giant zit on my face. He carries heavy stuff for me. He makes sure the DVR is set to record LOST for me, even after I accidentally delete his WWE program. I could go on, but long story short: He’s a wonderful husband, until I fall asleep.
Once I head off to dreamland, I encounter The Bizarro Husband. You know, the one that uses me as a human shield when the mall we’re shopping in comes under attack by human-size gerbils with machine guns.
I’d love to dismiss these dreams, but it just isn’t that easy. Every time I have a dream with The Bizarro Husband in it, I wake up furious with my real husband. Then, my twisted little mind begins to work. I stare at him lying next to me and think, “If we were under attack, what would he do? Maybe he really hates my hair and wants to cheat on me,” as if I am somehow in tune with his subconscious thoughts that are only revealed to me in a dream state.
Then the poor man wakes up to a myriad of “what if” questions from an obsessive and crazed wife with bed head and morning breath. He answers every one of my questions through his sleepy haze, then pulls me to him, wraps his arms around me, kisses the back of my neck and says, “Leslie, I love you.” For a brief moment, I think that he just may have gotten the raw end of this marriage deal. Until he says, “So, these gerbils. Can they talk?”
Yeah. We deserve each other.
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Ooooooh. Aaaaah.
I have dreams like this too!! I am glad to know I am not the only one…haha. One time I rolled over and punched hubby, I was still sleeping, but woke up right after. He didn’t know what had happened!! But he really is a great guy in “real life”!
This must be some kind of universal Wife Anxiety thing, because I have those kinds of dreams, too! Our poor, innocent husbands - what does our subconscious have against them?
But for every “Bizarro Husband” dream I have, I have a dream featuring myself as Matthew Fox’s love interest, so I guess all of the imaginary infidelity kind of evens out…
My wife has kicked me in the middle of the night because of one of these dreams. Realising this is so common, I’m not so annoyed about it now.
Leslie, sounds like you have a great guy there.
“So, these gerbils, can they talk?”
Can I tell you how loud and long I laughed at this?
[…] Possible Explanations For The Bizarro Husband Phenomena. I’ve been thinking about this a lot, lately. The Bizarro Husband struck again last night. This time he was creating opportunities for female houseguests to walk in on him naked and making disparaging comments about me to another woman on the phone. Perhaps it is a result of my insecurity, a fear of abandonment, or consumption of a Mini Chips Ahoy! Go-Pack! and a Diet Dr. Pepper right before bed. It might help to sort it all out in list form. […]
Snkphlpt! That’s me trying to suppress the giggles so I won’t wake my husband in the next room.
Very, very sweet! (((((HUGS))))) sandi
[…] Now I know how Dave feels. […]
You are not alone….I have dreams like that too. Usually they are the kind where he keeps cheating on me, or is leaving me, or whatever, and I have to become a single mom. I wake up feeling like it is true. The resentment takes awhile to fade. I always feel bad but it really is creepy how mentally the dream ensconses you in its (non)reality.