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Go Nigel, Go!
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Would You Like To Buy My Monkeys?
Dec
18
‘Tis The Season For Some Teasing
by Leslie
What is the legal limit for teasing someone about a Christmas present?
Over the weekend, Dave and my mom went shopping for Julia and me. I know they were shopping for us because they announced it many times prior and called me at least three times during their excursion to torment me about it. The conversations went something like this:
Conversation #1:
Mom: Hey! Guess where we are?
Me: Are you at the mall?
Mom: Oh, well I guess I can’t tell you that.
Me: …..
Mom: (to Dave) Can you get her gift strapped to the roof? Maybe we’ll have to have someone deliver it? Gosh, it’s just so big.
Me: I know you’re just calling to tease me.
Mom: What? Tease you? No. (to Dave) Here’s your pretzel.
Me: Ha! You are at the mall. He’s eating an Auntie Anne’s pretzel!
Mom: No we’re not!
*Click*
Conversation #2
Dave: Hey, what model is your digital camera. What’s the number on it?
Me: C330.
Dave: C330? Okay.
Me: So, are you getting me something for my camera?
Dave: No, we’re getting something for your Aunt Jan.
Mom: (in the background) Oh, no!
Me: Ha! No you’re not! She has a digital camera and it’s better than mine! You are so getting something for me!
Dave: No, I’m not!
*Click*
Conversation #3
Dave: Hey. I hope you’re not disappointed, but I couldn’t get you Guitar Hero.
Me: I’m not worried about it.
Dave: They were sold out everywhere we went.
Mom: (giggling in the background)
Me: Oh, that’s so not true! They had like a million of them in every store we went to just the day before.
Dave: No, they all sold out, like 5 minutes before we got to the stores.
Me: You’re such a bad liar.
Dave: No, I’m not.
*Click*
While they were out on their shopping adventure and between phone calls, Julia and I painted ornaments.
Christy tried to help.
Here’s one of the finished products.
I’m feeling so festive! Christmas is just one week away. Yay!
Dec
17
T-Minus 6 Days, 21 Hours, 56 minutes
by Leslie
We are hosting a get-together on Christmas Eve that will serve as the kick-off to our official holiday celebration. Woo hoo!
This is our first party in our new home, which is well-suited for entertaining, so I’m excited. This week, we’ll be cleaning, decorating and baking to get ready for the big event filled with fun, food and good company. It’s gonna be great!
Although, I am a little nervous.
There may be one or more people in attendance that hate me.
Normally, I’d say that’s not a big deal. I’ve been hated before. Usually, I’ve done something to deserve it. But, I have a difficult time being hated for no reason or the wrong reason, and that’s what I’m dealing with here. Still, I’m so hyped up on Christmas spirit, I think I have enough good cheer to dispel even the scroogiest Scrooge or Leslie-hater.
Okay…and here’s were I get all dippy and naive…maybe, this year, it will be different. Maybe this is the turning point.
Perhaps they’ll come to my beautiful, festively-decorated home to be welcomed by my warm and loving daughter and blissfully happy husband and partake of delicious and skillfully prepared Hors d’Oeuvres, entrees and desserts, and open carefully chosen gifts and decide: Hey! We like Leslie after all!
It could happen. Christmas is a miraculous time of year.
And even if I am pulverized by the crushing weight of the hate, I have Christmas to look forward to the next day.
And Christmas is going to ROCK.
Dec
16
Annoying
by Leslie
Photo Theme. Join the blogroll. Visit participants.
Feeling hungry, I head to the cupboard to find a snack…
Yes! Nutty Bars! Yummy.
Dagnabbit!!!
*This depiction was based on true events.
Dec
15
Ghosts of Christmas Past
by Leslie
Last night, Julia and I dusted off an old VHS tape, lit up the fireplace and snuggled together on the couch to watch some Christmas shows recorded in 1988. We watched A Charlie Brown Christmas
Do you remember the Claymation Christmas starring the California Raisins? If not, here’s a reminder. And if you haven’t seen it before, you’re in for a treat.
The only thing better than this Christmas special were the old commercials.
Dec
14
Things She Said
by Leslie
This morning, while I was brushing her hair…
Julia: Mom, you’ve got blue eyes.
Me: Yep. Just like you.
Julia: (nose to nose with me) You got pictures in your eyes.
Me: I do? What are they of?
Julia: Me!
This afternoon while we were reading a book…
Julia: Mom, what’s that? (Pointing to the cloud under Tigger)
Me: That is there to show you that Tigger is bouncing.
Julia: No, Mom. What is that?
Me: It’s a puff of air, to show you that Tigger is bouncing.
Julia: No…that’s a stinker!
This evening while she was putting on her pajamas…
Me: Julia, you’re getting so big.
Julia: Yeah, Mom. I grow up and up, like a flower. (arms up stretching up in the air) I grow big, like my Daddy!
Dec
13
Freak Show
by Leslie
I’ve been tagged by this guy and this guy to reveal 6 Weird Things About Me. So, here you go.
1. I spent a weekend with my best friend Bridget and her cousin April during the summer between second and third grade. April had a big, bright smile that exposed her teeth and even some of her gums. I thought this was cool and made an effort to smile wider, showing as much tooth and gum as possible. Now, I smile this way all the time and smiling without showing my teeth feels disingenuous.
2. I have very strong feelings about the movie “Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory.” (The one with Gene Wilder, not Johnny Depp.) Specifically, I take issue with Grandpa Joe, who is bedridden until Charlie gets the Golden Ticket. Once a chocolate factory tour is on the line, he can walk and dance. Charlie chooses Grandpa Joe to escort him to the chocolate factory. And how could he not after Grandpa Joe’s song and dance? Meanwhile, Charlie’s hardworking mom, who struggles to provide for her family, scrimping to feed them cabbage soup while Grandpa Joe smokes his tobacco, is overlooked. At the chocolate factory, Grandpa Joe encourages Charlie to get into the fizzy lifting drink (which is against the rules) and recommends that he take the everlasting gobstopper to Slugworth when Mr. Wonka gives him the brush off. I have big problems with Grandpa Joe and I can’t resist airing my grievances during every screening of the movie. Yeah, I know. That’s not just weird, it’s annoying.
3. Cross-eyed people really freak me out. It’s almost a phobia.
4. I like even numbers. I feel at peace with even numbers. I need my numbers to be even. Consider birthdays, for example. Julia’s birthday is 6/24/2004. That’s good. When the doctor was scheduling me to be induced, she chose the 23rd. I asked her to make it later in the day, so I’d likely deliver on the 24th - an even day. Now, Dave’s birthday is 1/7/1973. All odd. Not so good. The only way I can handle it is to think: 1 + 7 + 1 + 9 + 7 + 3 = 28. 28 is even. That’s okay.
5. I like hierarchies and constantly rank things. This is the number one reason I probably shouldn’t have another child. I’m not good with things being equal. Whatever I’m doing, I’m building a hierarchy. As I clean, I’ll actually think: “I like sweeping more than dusting, but I hate doing dishes. Sweeping is #1.” Or with my cats: “Wow, Katie is really cuddly today. Christy jumped just jumped up on the counter. Katie is my #1. Abby is #2. Christy is a bad cat. She’s #3.” My rankings change frequently and though I rarely share them with anyone, I’m always choosing favorites.
6. I never take the first item facing me on the shelf or rack when I’m shopping. I always take the one behind it because it has been handled less. I like my items to be as perfect as possible.
I’m not going to tag anyone specific as most people I know have already been tagged or are too cool to participate.
If you want to play along, shoot me an e-mail or tell me in the comments. I’ll add your link to this post and I promise I’ll visit you and say something brilliant funny insightful…um, I’ll comment on your six things. And I’ll probably make up a song about you. Not a bad one, though. It’ll be good. And I’ll just sing it to myself.
Dec
12
The Look Of A Liberated Woman
by Leslie
I got a new haircut.
It’s not like, “Hey! I got a new haircut!” It’s more like, “Eh, I got a haircut.”
I had asked the hairdresser to give me a fun bob - a mom hairdo. I even showed her a picture. She gave me something that made the word “Bowl” flash on the register screen when she rang it up.
It’s bob, I guess. It’s just so blunt.
I look like David Foley’s gender-neutral character Chris from the movie “It’s Pat
Julia says I look like Dora the Explorer. I guess I do. That’d be alright if I were 3, but I’m 30.
At dinner, we were discussing my new do. Dave asked if I was going to post a picture here on my blog. I said, “I don’t think so. It’d be too embarassing.”
And he said, “Well, you already did that Come As You Are Blog Party. Might as well post this.”
Then my mom asked Dave to help her carry the dishes into the kitchen where I’m sure she told him, “Don’t say stuff that like! She’s your wife. You’re supposed to make her feel good. At this rate, I’ll never get another grandchild! Go tell her she’s beautiful! And say it like you mean it!”
So, I got a new haircut.
I’m not sure I like it.
Dec
11
I Bet Your Mouth Tastes Like Feet
by Leslie
Dave: I got tagged for a meme. What are some weird things about me?”
Me: “Well, there’s your weird fascination with Buffy The Vampire Slayer.”
Dave: “It isn’t weird. A lot of people liked that show. Anyway, I didn’t watch it for Buffy. I liked the other girl.”
Me: “….”
Dave: “Yeah, I’ve always had a thing for homely girls.”
Me: “Gee, thanks honey!”
Dec
10
The Santa Picture
by Leslie
Today, we took Julia to see Santa and have her picture taken with him.
We didn’t plan too much in advance. At least not like we did the first time she saw Santa.
Did you notice that her outfit matches Santa’s? That’s no accident. I cased the Santa spot at the mall long before we made our visit. I took note of the decor and bought a coordinating outfit. I studied the traffic patterns and scheduled our trip to insure the shortest wait, in order to reduce the risk of an incident that would sully her mood and/or appearance. For the most part, we were successful.
Now that Julia is 2!, we do things on the fly a lot more. When she was belting out Jingle Bells all morning, we thought today would be a good day to see Santa. We set out for the mall and found Santa’s spot. He was just returning from a break so there was a line. Julia waited patiently and talked to the children next to her. As we got closer, she asked me to pick her up so she could see. She pointed towards Santa in his giant sleigh and exclaimed, “There he is, Mom! There’s SANTA CLAUSSSS!”
A moment later, it was our turn.
Julia stepped onto the platform and paused as the gravity of what was about to take place hit her. She was going to meet Santa - the ultimate authority on niceness and conferrer of toys. I took her hand and pulled her gently, “Let’s go meet Santa.” Wide eyed, she seemed to float toward the giant sleigh. You could almost hear a chorus of angels singing when she stopped short and looked up at the man in all his glory.
Santa: Hello. (lifts her up onto his lap) What’s your name?
Julia: (eyes glazed, staring straight ahead) Julia.
Santa: What do you want for Christmas, Julia?
Julia: Presents.
Santa: Presents? Alright then.
Julia: Santa, I love you.
Santa: (long pause) Are you ready for Christmas?
Julia: Yes.
Santa: Okay. Smile for the picture.
*SNAP*
Then, Santa gave her a lolipop and I forked over $25 for the picture. An out of focus picture.
My mother, the eternal optimist, told me, “Julia was so overwhelmed by meeting Santa, everything probably seemed out of focus to her. They captured the moment for her.”
Yeah. Just like last year.
After the lady snapped the picture and said, “Okay!” I asked if Julia had smiled. After all, I agreed to sit in on the picture to get the child to smile. The woman told me yes. “We don’t need to take another one,” she said.
She lied.
By the time I saw the photo, they had already been paid for and printed.
You see, for those of you who don’t know, the Santa picture people take your photo order before you ever get to see the big man. They come through the line and you must decide how many you will purchase before you can even think about getting near Santa. After the picture is taken, you pay. Then, you’re moved to a holding area near a large “No Refunds” sign to wait for your finished product. Don’t like the picture? Too bad. They can.not change the order. That is, unless you want to order more. You can always purchase more.
Last year, I paid nearly $40! for a group of pictures I’d hoped to send out with our Christmas cards. I got the picture above. My mother is right, they captured the moment: a zoned-out Santa (who didn’t even ask what she wanted for Christmas), an angry kid that, even at one year of age, knew she was getting the shaft, and a hopeful mommy wondering, “Is she smiling? Is she smiling?”
After last year’s Santa picture debacle, you may be asking, “Leslie, why did you buy a picture this year? You know, they’ll let your child sit on Santa’s lap for free. You could have taken your own picture.”
I could have. But, there’s a catch to the free Santa visit. The child gets to sit on Santa’s lap for free. The cheap, non-picture-purchasing-loser parents aren’t allowed inside the gated area. So, I could have taken my own picture if my camera had a telephoto lens that could take pictures through a mountain of wrapped boxes and fake snow.
Now you’re probably thinking, “If you’re gonna pay for the picture, you might as well snap your own while you’re in the restricted area.”
Well, I’m not that smart. I forgot my camera.
As I stood in the mall, reviewing my less than perfect pictures, Julia pulled my arm down toward her to get a peek. She started jumping up and down and shouted, “That’s me! That’s me and Santa! I gonna show Daddy! I gonna show Daddy!”
Okay, that was worth $25.
Dec
9
Red
by Leslie
Photo Theme. Join the blogroll. Visit participants.
To me, red is passionate, strong, energetic and full of love, which is also a fitting description for my daughter. Here she is dancing in her red “ballerina dress.”
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I Write A Haiku Each Day
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Hurts So Good
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Categories
- Daily Haiku
- Mommy’s Stuff
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You Should Do This
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Ooooooh. Aaaaah.
