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Go Nigel, Go!
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Would You Like To Buy My Monkeys?
Jun
12
Flushed
by Leslie
Gus died today.
Who is Gus you ask? Gus was my trusty, rusty push lawnmower. He was a $99 Wal-Mart special - special being the operative word. I pushed him over countless miles of lawn and he cut it all without fail, until today.
Once the time of death was called and Gus was put to rest, we hopped in Stella (She’s my van. I sorta like to name things.) and drove to Lowe’s to purchase a replacement. Everyone had some input - Julia wanted a red one, Dave wanted one that was self-propelled and I wanted one that wouldn’t cost much money. We all won when we found Big Red.
Big Red is used, but new to us. His former owner callously bent his axle and then dumped him off to be fixed and never returned. Our Lowe’s store associate, Lyle, lovingly repaired Big Red and offered him to the friendliest family he could find for half the regular purchase price. And so, Big Red became Big Red Grimmett.
Before we could take Big Red home, I had to go to the potty. Dave was catatonic having succumbed to the lure of the John Deere lawn tractor section, so I grabbed Julia by the hand and marched to the bathroom. We slipped into a stall together and I sat down - last night’s buffalo wings were firing back on me. (Please know, dear readers, that I normally wouldn’t dream of doing a number two in a public restroom, but there were extenuating circumstances. I mean, buffalo wings are spicy. And unpredictably explosive.)
Then someone else entered the bathroom. She took up residence in the adjacent stall where she heard this:
“Mommy! You put your poop in the potty! Good job, Mommy. You did it! You pooped in the potty!”
Flush.
“Bye bye poopy! Bye bye…….uh oh. Mommy, that poopy didn’t go down.”
Flush.
“Bye poopy. Bye….Mommy? It still didn’t go down.”
Flush.
“Mommy, your poopy isn’t going down.”
Flush.
“That poopy is in pieces now.”
Flush.
“There it went!”
Then the woman left her stall and began washing her hands. This is what she heard next:
“All done, Mommy? Let’s go…..why do I have to wait? You’re all done, Mommy.”
Yeah.
At least the woman stifled her laughter until she left the bathroom, so I had the illusion of dignity.
Of course, that illusion was shattered the moment I published this post. Or maybe when I published the one about the can o’pee. Or the stinkers.
Comments
23 Cool Kids Came To Play
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I Write A Haiku Each Day
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Hurts So Good
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Categories
- Daily Haiku
- Mommy’s Stuff
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You Should Do This
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Ooooooh. Aaaaah.
Well, I for one appreciate how you are willing to sacrifice your dignity for a good post. Oh those unexpected words of encouragement that come back to haunt us.
But(t) you see, this is why I return daily. Because you adopt lawnmowers and lovingly give them your surname and you tell us about ALL YOUR BODILY FUCTIONS! What’s not to love about that? Who needs dignity anyway?
OH. MY. GOD. I don’t know how you refrained from covering her mouth with your hand. I so wish I could have been there for that.
Holy cow, I can’t wait for my grandbaby to get her so I can write posts like this one.
OMG! This might the funniest story I have heard in AGES!
I’m laughing with you…. ok, not really. I’m laughing at you:)
Too funny. Leave it to kids to bring you to your knees with laughter.
This is the best thing I have read all day. I’m sitting here snickering.
Came by from Wiping Up Snot. Hi!
Holy crap-that-won’t-flush, that was HA LARIOUS. K, you need to enter THIS one to Blows My Dress Up contest. And I sooooo wish I could vote for it. And I agree with Jenn in Holland– dignity is overrated.
Out of the mouths of babes:)
Oh that is hilarious.
This post is at least half the reason I love your blog…well not this post specifically but the fact that you post these types of things.
This one actually made me snort water out my nose, it was that funny.
That is hilarious!
Ruth @ Mom’s Musings directed me to come here.
Haha, I love stuff like that and have been there before…I just wasn’t brave enough to share!! I laughed while I read it!!
Visiting on Karly’s recommendation and laughing, laughing, laughing.
Oh Leslie that blog made my day. I can totally picture the situation. Aaron likes to annouce to everyone on the way to the potty that, “Mama has to pee. Mama use potty.”
Oh my gosh. This post made me giggle a lot and I needed it today. That woman was prolly holding in her laughter with everything she had. At least she left you with the illusion of dignity.
Your site is so funny!! Thanks for the laughs.
That is so funny. It’s a good thing Julia potty trained you. Pretty soon you will be all grown up.
Admit it, that was a Jack Daniels concoction, and everyone knows it.
There is no shame in bombing a public toilet. If I ever deigned to use a public restroom, I would bomb it.
ROFL!!
While I can’t wait for my son to get bigger… I fear these trips.
Public humiliation at the hands of a toddler scares me to my very core!
What a scream!!! Did you try to gag her at any point??? I have has many similar happenings … having had 8 kids…. so can totally relate!!! Ha ha ha. Try changing a tampon with a curious kid in there with you, one with a bloody motor mouth lilke your wee girl!
[…] It was for this post. […]
soooo funny!
This was so hilarious…I laughed until I almost puked. Thank you!