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Go Nigel, Go!
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Would You Like To Buy My Monkeys?
Jun
20
13.9% Cranky McGrouchyPants
by Leslie
Most of the time, I’m a happy, easygoing, cheerful person. But not today. I’m moody today. Well, to be honest, I’m at the tail end of a 3 day “I’m moody” bender.
But, if you came here looking for something to make you smile, check out the kittens.
Aren’t they adorable? Did they make you smile?
See, I’m not a bad person. I took pictures of kittens. For you. I’m a good person. I’m just in a bad mood and if you don’t want to lose your buzz from all that cuteness up there, you may want to click away, because I’m going to take part in some targeted venting.
Okay, so I don’t want you to click away, but I want you to be warned. Usually I’m all flowers and rainbows and let’s dance naked around the fire! Or maybe I’m just not bitchy. But right now I am. But I still love you! But I’m bitchy. And that’s okay. We’re all bitchy sometimes.
Alright. Here it comes. The venting.
To the woman who keeps questioning and commenting on the fact that my daughter wears Pull-Ups: Freakshow, you’re starting to creep me out. Why the obsession with my child’s undergarments and bathroom habits? She’s three (well, nearly three) and still has a little trouble holding her pee. You are at least ten times her age and can’t seem to hold your tongue. I’m telling you, the latter is more offensive. The next time you say something, I’m giving you a wedgie.
To the woman who is concerned that I am over-scheduling my daughter in activities and spending too much money on them: Hey Jealousy, your child spends 24 hours per week in preschool. My child spends 6 hours per week in organized activities outside our home. I say potato… Additionally, your Wii cost more than my daughter’s whole summer of activities. Is it really about the amount of money spent? It seems that we just chose to spend our money differently. So step off, sucka! Or at least invite me over to play with your Wii.
To my uterus: A haiku
Why do you hate me?
I’m trying to knock you up.
Please, stop with the cramps.
To the Lowes associate who keeps screwing up the delivery of my new grill:
JUST GIVE ME MY FUCKING GRILL, BITCH!
Now, I’m outta here. I’ve got work to do. There’s a giant zit on Dave’s shoulder that’s calling, “Take your anger out on me! Please!”
Comments
11 Cool Kids Came To Play
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I Write A Haiku Each Day
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Categories
- Daily Haiku
- Mommy’s Stuff
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You Should Do This
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Ooooooh. Aaaaah.
People may be afraid to comment on this one, so I’ll break the ice. GOOD FOR YOU!!!!
I can’t stand people who try to tell people how to raise their kids. It’s like “hey lady, while you were busy worrying about my child your child just beat up the other neighbor kid. Stop worrying about my kid and go raise your own.”
As for the pull-ups, I would say,”If you’ll come change the sheets and clean the pee off the carpet, I’ll take my kid out of pull-ups. Until then, shut-it!!”
Amen Sister! I feel like your haiku was written for my uterus too
And the kittens, now that is adorable. Is the second one a Maine Coon? If not, he/she sure looks like one.
Hahahahaha!
First of all I love the kittens, they are indeed very cute and sweet.
Second of all, I wish I could be nearly as hilarious when I am bitchy. It’s just not possible though. When I am bitchy, I am ONLY bitchy. There is no room for anything else. But you? As in all things, have kept a very good balance between falling apart and keeping it together.
Thirdly, you really told woman one and two and I totally applaud you for that. Butt out of my Buck’s business, you bitches!
Fourthly, you might have been a little harsh to the girl at Lowe’s. Remember she hardly makes minimum wage and she has more bitches than just you to worry about in a single day. I don’t know why I am defending her, that’s not really my nature. If I were in the situation I would be YELLING REALLY LOUDLY. So, how about just never mind the fourthly and you say whatever you want to her. You need your damn grill after all.
Fifthly, I love to pop zits too. It oogs my husband out and he thinks I am wacked. It’s good to have at least one person in the world who knows you really well.
Sixthly, I love you Buck. Really I do.
PS. I skipped commenting on your uterus because mine is currently cramping too and that’s making my head hurt and overall, I just don’t want to talk about it…
Wow… apparently you and many of your readers (myself included) are on the same cycle. I spent today, my hubby’s bday, walking around an amusement park trying to act like it didn’t feel like my guts were on fire and ready to fall out. It was his birthday! I didn’t want to be the downer… so yeah, I put on the damn bikini and got on some water slides and hoped and prayed that it was all good. But what a long, crampy day.
Next, Zoe is 5 1/2 and JUST NOW gave up the pull-ups at night. My youngest sister is 8 1/2 and still does pull-ups at night. There’s nothing strange or wrong with it. That’s just how it is. Give me a break. If Julia’s prom rolls around and she’s putting a pull-up on under her panty hose, then maybe we’ll call an intervention. Until then, tell people to piss off.
I’m going to take a Midol and read some of your comments on my page. It makes me happy.
I am sorry….I know you are in a fowl made but you still made me laugh.
Thanks. I need to laugh. I am having a bitchy day too:(
My hubby is on the road so no zit popping for me.
I use the f-bomb twice to describe a newborn. Is this the source of my bad luck?!
I’m not a parent, but I have advice and shit. Raise your kid any way you want to. Booyah, creepy parents.
Vent away, you are doing a great job parenting and I wouldn’t worry about anything anyone else says!!
Even when you are feeling a little moody, you still make me laugh. Even without the kittens.
Sometimes the asshats in life just get to us. We know that they shouldn’t, but sometimes they just do. Totally normal. And at least you have a great place to vent where people will still love you with all your f-bombs
1. I love the kittens. They did make me smile. Thank you because I’m on a moody bender too.
2. I wonder what the Pull-up lady would say about Brother who is almost two and still in diapers or Sister who is almost six and still wears Pull-ups at night.
3. People are always saying I UNDER-schedule my kids … like they know so much about MY kids. You do your thing. You’re a great mom.
4. That is the best (and only) haiku I have ever heard written to a uterus.
5. What happened to “You can do it, We can help”? Oh, wait that’s the other place. Good luck on getting your grill before summer is over.
It’s nice to vent, isn’t it. My wife was very pissed too when some of the things she ordered for the kids birthday party didn’t arrive. She ordered them last month. What’s the deal with that?
Oh, I so know how you feel right now!