Nah, I’m Not Dead…Not Yet

by Leslie

I know. I KNOW. Where have I been? I haven’t posted for TWO DAYS and the e-mails are flooding in, one right after the other. And then one more. Okay, that’s only three, but still. Three very caring people are wondering where I am and what’s going on with me. They are asking, “Is Dave okay? Is the baby okay? What about Julia?”

We’re all just great. Seriously. I wouldn’t lie to you.

If you really want to know what’s kept me from blogging for all this time, I’ll tell you, in regular Leslie-like detail, which means you’re probably going to get more information than you ever wanted.

It all started on Monday. Labor Day. I had BIG plans for posting. Dave and I actually worked on The Video. I had begun the editing process when we heard from our good friend Will who was in the midst of becoming a year older and so, we had to drop everything we were doing to make his one and only birthday wish come true: offer up an evening of awesome 80’s trivia with The Grimmetts. Think that’s a lame birthday wish? You’ve never played 80’s trivia with us. It’s a lifechanging experience. It is fun you couldn’t possibly comprehend, because if you haven’t played 80’s trivia with us, you haven’t had the most fun you could ever have. Because we’re freaking all about the fun when it comes to 80’s trivia. It’s true that we could play some other kind of trivia and it would be pleasant and amusing, but 80’s trivia, well, that just puts it in a league all it’s own. We have to get a special permit and everything for the fun we have when the 80’s trivia game comes out. I’m just telling you. Put it on your list of things you want to do before you die: Play 80’s Trivia with The Grimmetts.

After kicking ass at 80’s trivia, we took the birthday boy out to dinner because nothing heals a kicked butt like steak at Roadhouse. By the time we got home, it was getting late and while I could have busted out a blog post, I had something else to do.

I had to capture a cat. A wild, maniac cat that had bitten my mom’s thumb in two and scratched her face off earlier that day.

Okay, the cat didn’t bite her thumb in two…but, it’s bitten pretty bad. And her face isn’t off either, but it is scratched. There was blood and screaming and everything.

So, I had to capture the cat because she is one of the last two cats we need to have fixed and she had an appointment the next day at 9 a.m. to get it done. I trapped her in the garage around 11 p.m. Four hours and twenty minutes later, I emerged from the garage without having captured that mother-fucking cat.

FOUR HOURS AND TWENTY MINUTES.

I tempted her with delicious food. I played with her with a little string. I offered to have her voice box upgraded to a human voice box so she could tell me to fuck off instead of just beaming the message at me with her evil cat eyes. At one point, I even attempted to make a cat capturing net out of deer netting and a fishing pole, but it was all for naught.

By 4 a.m., I was lying in bed, crying because A) I had been bested by a cat B) I was only going to get about 3 1/2 hours of sleep and C) My guts hurt.

A few hours later, I got up and made sure the other cat got to the vet for her surgery and then, got Julia ready to go to playgroup. (Yeah, we switched to Tuesdays. Mark your calendar: Leslie’s Freakouts will now occur on Tuesday. Yippeee!) We went to playgroup way out in B.F.E. (That’s bum-fuck Egypt, if you didn’t know. Now, use it in a sentence this week!) We swam in a lake. We had a wonderfully fabulous time for about three hours. Then, we came home and spent the next few hours dealing with insurance stuff, finding out about our car, which is not dead and should be revived in a week or two, and acquiring a rental to get us through until The Big Red Car is well again. When we finally got home, I was so tired, all I could do was moan and cry. And there was some crying and moaning until bedtime.

It should also be documented that I did, in fact, write a post for you all somewhere in there, but my mom asked me not to publish it. She said it was too personal. She’s right. It would crush the illusion that we are in some way a family that isn’t completely fucked up. Perhaps I will publish it and password protect it, so only the coolest kids, the most secret of squirrels can read it if they ask pretty please for the password. Maybe. I don’t know.

Oh yeah, and I think I have a hemorrhoid. Woohoo!

Now, before you go, if you made it this far, here’s a video for you. Watch it. It’s my van!

Posted in Mommy's Stuff |

Comments

15 Cool Kids Came To Play

Karly on September 5, 2007 6:21 pm
So your mom was okay with you posting about the hemorrhoid but not the other? Weird.

I’m glad everything is okay with you guys…I was really getting worried.
Mommy on September 5, 2007 6:51 pm
She doesn’t care if I humiliate myself…she just doesn’t want me to share stuff about her or my dad so much. I can respect that. But, I’m out there. Hemorrhiods and all!
Jen in MI on September 5, 2007 7:35 pm
Oh my goodness, Leslie, huge, huge hugs! And your post was hysterical, although I’m sorry it’s been a rough couple of days. And I thought Jasper was the evil one? Or is that just Dave’s opinion. Rest yourself, GF, you and the baby need it!
Soccer Mom in Denial on September 5, 2007 9:02 pm
Oh my!! Hang in there.
SusieJ on September 5, 2007 9:46 pm
So funny. How are you feeling, otherwise? Sleep, sleep, sleep. I’m looking for that middle name meme, and I can’t find it.
Suzanne on September 5, 2007 9:57 pm
Dude, I totally “Mommed my Ride”… only mine was done for free, and it occurred slowly over an 18 month period. But it does pretty much look like the sweet green van in the video… (except my car also has a DVD player with crackers shoved in the opening and melted fruit snacks smeared on the screen)
Susiej » What is the number one google search to your blog? on September 5, 2007 10:29 pm
[…] I know My Mommy’s Place tagged me for the middle name meme, but I can’t find it. I can’t wait to read your answers. Bookmark to: […]
Daddy Forever on September 5, 2007 10:43 pm
Sounds like you have been busy. My son makes it hard for me to blog or comment at the end of the day. It seems like I just got done tucking him and then he wakes up and I have to retuck him in again.

Hope the cat surgery go well.
mackeydoodle on September 5, 2007 11:23 pm
WTF!!! I have left 2 comments & they are not here!!
Have I entered the Twilight Zone?!
mackeydoodle on September 5, 2007 11:24 pm
Now that is wierd…..anyways…I just wanted to say that I am glad you’re all alright. I was getting worried about ya!
80’s trivia…..music trivia per chance? If it is I would sooooo kick your ass!:)
trinity on September 6, 2007 5:42 am
Leslie… glad you are alright! Cheer up and come with me in magical carpet ride! http://www.ruangsudut.info/2007/09/join-our-magical-flying-carpet-ride_06.html
Come on, it’s fun!

Cheers!
Trinity
petite mommy on September 6, 2007 9:17 am
I’m glad your ok. Let me know when you start twitter.
heathersway on September 6, 2007 9:57 am
Okay, first, I have totally added 80’s trivia with The Grimmetts to my list and second, that “Mom my Ride” almost made me pee my pants. Thank you for that.
akinvt on September 6, 2007 2:56 pm
I worked for a vet right after college and used to be the one who to work with those crazy cats! One cat got away and, I kid you not, was bouncing off walls over my head. I had to suit up in protective gear and get a big net to finally catch it.

Hope that you are getting some well needed rest.
Sam on September 7, 2007 12:22 pm
That is totally what my van looks like inside! Only mine is better because it’s from 19..19..1986!! There’s even a french fry stuck in the sliding door so it doesn’t slide right.