Month: October 2007 (page 2 of 3)

My Baby’s A Fish

Julia has swim class every Saturday. Dave rarely gets to go along, so it felt pretty special having him there today.

Daddy & Julia at Swim Class

Julia was so proud to show her Daddy to everyone at the YMCA. He was the parent she chose to have in the water with her.

Jump! Float

I took advantage of being dry and snapped a few pictures. And a 10 second video.

When People Say, “TMI,” I Like To Kick Their Ass.

After Dave and I have sex, we rate each other’s performance. Then, we choose an MVP. (That would be the “most valuable partner” or the best performer.)

I am the current MVP.

I guess you could say I’m the Champion of Sex. Some call me the gangster of love.

What are you saying? That’s a racy subject for a Mommy blog? Did you call me a tart?

Well, it’s Friday night. Half the people who will read this are drunk and they’ll like it. Or they’ll read it tomorrow when they’re hungover and maybe it won’t seem so great, but nothing will seem great because they’re hungover. Some people will hate it because they aren’t having sex and they’re bitter. The rest of you cool kids with happy, healthy sex lives will send me virtual high fives because you know.

But me? I had sex. Award winning sex. Not just wifely duty sex. After way too many weeks on the injured reserve list thanks to morning sickness, I’m back on top (Ha! That was a pun. You probably didn’t get it since I’m not having sex with you, though.)

That’s news that I believe is good enough to share.

Hop In My Chrysler It’s As Big As A Whale And It’s About To Set Sail*

Julia and I are music-lovers. There is no time this is more obvious than when we are traveling in our van Stella. And since we are very social girls with a jam-packed schedule, we spend a lot of time with Stella, listening to music as we barrel down the highway flit from engagement to engagement.

The same music. Over and over and over again.

You see, Stella isn’t brand new with the latest features. She’s a classic beauty with a cassette player. When we bought her about a year ago, we immediately stocked her up with the cassettes we had on hand: a Beatles mix tape, an Awesome 80’s mix tape, and Herman’s Hermits.

Everyone in our family loves 80s music. Julia and I love The Beatles. I’m the only one that likes Herman’s Hermits.

And so, for the past almost year, we’ve been listening to the Awesome 80’s mix tape. We’ve listened. We’ve loved. We’ve learned. We know every word, note and beat to such great hits as:

Rhythm of the Night by Debarge
Love Shack* (or as Julia calls it, Milkshake) by The B-52’s
Straight Up by Paula Abdul
Come On Eileen by Dexy’s Midnight Runners
I Need You Tonight by INXS

Despite hearing these and many other awesome 80’s tunes every day for the past year, sometimes many times a day, I still can’t figure something out.

What the hell is Freddy Mercury saying in Another One Bites The Dust around 1:31?

I always say, “Hey! I’m adopted!” Something tells me I’m wrong. Do you all know what he’s saying?

Julia in Snippets

Julia had been playing in her playroom. “Rock and Roll All Nite” was thumping through the ceiling and I could hear her jumping and dancing around to the music. After three or four plays, the upstairs fell eerily quiet. I thought I’d better walk up there and make sure she wasn’t escaping out the window or building a bomb. I opened the door to find her working on a puzzle with her cat Katie sprawled out nearby.

“I just wanted to check on you.” I looked around to make sure the peaceful puzzle-making wasn’t some kind of cover up. “You’re being nice to Katie, right?”



“Mommy, you stink.”

“You really think I stink?”

“Yep. I sure do.”

“Well, what do I smell like?”



Julia was rushing around, trying to hurry out the door to play. I said, “Julia. Slow down, honey. Catch your breath.”

“My breath is caught,” she said inhaling and exhaling loudly and deliberately, “Don’t you hear it?”


After hearing the baby’s heartbeat on Monday:

“Julia, what did you think of that?”

“It was nice, but I’m not really excited about it right now. Mostly, I want to play with that boy out in the waiting room.”


“Julia, if you try your very best and pay attention in piano class, afterward, we’ll go to McDonald’s for milk and cookies and you can play in the play area.”

“Alright! Do you think there will be other kids there that have been really good for me to play with?”


Three-year olds. Don’t you just love them?

I Always Sucked At Operation

Look at this girl.

Armed and Dangerous

She looks harmless, doesn’t she? Just a happy preschooler gearing up for some Lite Brite fun. Right?


She’s practically a criminal. Armed. Dangerous. Ready to strike with her weapon of choice.

She hit her first target last night.

I was in the next room, listening to the crashes, giggles and talk of butt-kicking that often accompany playtime with Daddy. They seemed to be having a great time until I heard a different kind of shriek. It wasn’t the usual playful kind that’s followed by laughter. It was the kind that told me there was pain happening in there. And it sounded as if it was coming from my husband. I quickly walked through the doorway to see Dave holding his ear and looking wounded.

“What happened?”

“She shoved a Lite Brite peg in my ear!”

I stood there dumbfounded. “Wha?”

“I thought she was going to give me a kiss and she shoved a Lite Brite peg in my ear!”

“Did you get it out?”

“No. Leslie, she really shoved it in there.”

I walked over and looked into his ear. He wasn’t kidding. That thing was in there. I could barely see it sticking out.

I ran to grab some tweezers and had Dave come into the dining room where the light was brighter. I tilted his head and began to work. The thing wouldn’t budge. In fact, I think I lodged it in deeper. The situation was looking dire and I began to think the next best step was to take a trip to the emergency room.

And then, it happened.

I got the giggles. Dave was deeply offended. I tried to stop, but you know what happens when you try to stop the giggles – you get them even worse. I couldn’t help it. I’d always assumed that if I took someone to the emergency room to have something dislodged from an ear or a nose, it would be someone under the age of 12 (a thought I now realize I should have kept to myself).

Eventually, I gained my composure and was able to remove the peg and save my marriage. About ten minutes later, I was reasonable enough to scold Julia for her bad behavior. A little later, we went to bed. I made sure to wear ear plugs. I figure after all that laughing, I’ve got some payback coming.

We Got The Beat!

I had a baby appointment today. Although we’ve heard it before, I can’t help but get excited when I hear that child’s heart beating.

The doctor told me it was kind of early to hear it with the Doppler, but we’d give it a try. I laid back and put my fingers on the lower left side of my abdomen and said, “Julia was always right here when I carried her. Until she got so big she was everywhere.”

The doctor nodded, applied the goo and put the heartbeat detector stick on my belly – on the right side, below my belly button. We listened to the static swish sounds as she moved slowly across my abdomen until bam! She hit on that spot – the very spot I’d pointed out to her – and there it was: the baby’s heartbeat. Loud, strong and steady. 155 beats per minute.

I looked over at Julia, sitting on her Daddy’s lap, and watched her eyes widen as she realized what she was hearing. Dave was tapping along with the heartbeat on her leg. It was a wonderful moment.

Then, the doctor congratulated us on making it through the first trimester. We made our next appointment and were given information about the alpha-fetoprotein test I have the option of taking at my next visit.

What is the alpha-fetoprotein test? It’s a prenatal blood test to screen for the risk of neural tube defects, such as spina bifida. It can also be used to screen for a high risk of Down syndrome. The test doesn’t diagnose a birth defect, but can alert the doctor when there is a high risk.

The procedure in my doctor’s office, if the screening indicates a risk for such defects, is to offer an ultrasound and amniocentesis for further information. What does having this information do? The nurse told me, “It offers parents an opportunity to prepare to care for a child born with these defects. Some parents choose to terminate the pregnancy.”

I declined this screening when I was pregnant with Julia.

But, the nurse told me something that made me think about it a little more this time. She told me about a mother that had a test result that indicated a high risk for Down’s syndrome. The mother declined amniocentesis. The child was born with a severe case of Down’s syndrome and was immediately transferred to another hospital for more specialized care. The mother was not transferred and had to wait until she was discharged from the hospital to be with her child. The nurse had said that if the mother knew for sure that the child had Down’s syndrome, she could have planned to give birth at the other hospital so she wouldn’t have been separated from her child.

Can you imagine that?

And so, I’m curious about what you all think. Did you have the alpha-fetoproten test? Would you have it? I’d love to hear about your experiences and thoughts on this.

For No Mere Mortal Can Resist The Evil Of The Thriller*

The air is getting cold, night falls earlier each day and Halloween is creeping up on us. What better time to snuggle on the couch and watch a scary movie?

My husband is a huge movie buff and horror movies are his forte. There’s nothing he loves more than luring me downstairs after Julia’s asleep to scare my pants off. And while I’m nowhere near the horror flick aficionado he is, I’ve got to put my two cents in before he launches his 15 day countown of scary movies (starting Tuesday!) leading right up to Halloween. His list is nearly complete. He’s gathered rankings from more than five reputable movie resources, generated a point system and compiled a comprehensive list of THE scariest movies. All he’s got left to consider are the opinions of his readers. Being his most loyal reader, I would hope my voice will be the loudest.

And now, without anymore shameless promotion of my husband and his very scary movie list coming this tuesday, I give you…


10. The Sixth Sense – It’s not your average horror film. This movie produces chills without blood, guts, chases and elaborate death scenes. Sure, we all know how it ends now. But remember how you felt the first time you watched it? Creeeepy.

9. The Amityville Horror – This was one of the first movies I ever saw that completely freaked me out. It’s super-duper scary. And it gets bonus points for being based on a true story.

8. A Nightmare on Elm Street – Forget about all the hokey sequels. I’m talking about the original. The first one. The one where we meet Freddy – who exists in dreams, but can kill for real. It’s awesomely scary and totally gruesome.

7. The Omen – Imagine your kid is the Antichrist. No, seriously. He’s got the 666 birthmark on his scalp and everything. Do you kill him to prevent the end of the world? What if you fail? Oooh, it’s scary.

6. 28 Days Later – This movie is horrifying in about ten different ways. First, there’s the whole waking up to discover everyone is gone. Is there anything scarier than that? Then, there’s The Infected. And then there’s the whole “hope for survival” plan that turns out to be pretty twisted. It’s an awesome scary movie. I had nightmares for two weeks.

5. The Shining – There’s a lot I could say about this movie, but I think it’s best to direct you to The Shining in 30 seconds and re-enacted by bunnies. It’s better than anything I could say.

4. The Ring – I saw this movie for the first time with my mom in the theater. I thought I was going to get kicked out for screaming so loud. And kicking the chair in front of me as I screamed so loud. (I can’t help it. It’s that fight or flight response thing. That’s what my body does when it’s scared. My legs move.) I slept with the lights on at my place for two nights after seeing this one. I still have nightmares. That Ring girl. Damn, she’s scary!

3. Poltergeist – This one could make the list on that scary clown doll alone, but this movie is even better than that. I mean, ghosts that take your kids through the television set? C’mon. That’s scary!

2. Psycho – When it comes to suspense, this one takes the cake. It’s brilliantly made and absolutely terrifying.

1. The Exorcist – I saw this movie for the first time four years ago, with Dave. Just the idea of it was too scary for me! When I finally got up the courage to watch, I wasn’t disappointed. It was scarier than I imagined. That demonic Linda Blair is still the face I see in nightmares. Scary, scary stuff. Really, scary stuff.

So, what movies would make your scary movie list?

*from Vincent Price’s guest sililoquy on Michael Jackson’s Thriller.

Oh, and you can see more 30 second films re-enacted by bunnies here.

Love Stinks

The story you are about to view is real. It is a poorly illustrated depiction of actual events.

Love Stinks

Click here to see it larger.

(Inspired by this week’s Photo Hunt Theme: Smelly.)

Forecast: A Crazy Front Attached To An Area Of Peer Pressure Moving In Will Bring Wild Behavior

The weather has finally caught up with the season ’round these parts and the high temperatures we’d been experiencing have been cut in half.

Good-bye short pants. Hello long-sleeve t-shirts. Oh, how I’ve missed you!

I couldn’t help but breathe a sigh of relief as the mercury began to contract in my thermometer. Seeing that much red this far into October just fed my recurring nightmare of sitting on my rooftop with Julia, Dave, my parents, Clyde the dog and 12 cats, waiting to be rescued because I’m surrounded by ocean. Sometimes it’s because of a deep impact meteor, but usually it’s global warming. On a rare ocassion, we’re trapped in the basement because the supervolcano under Yellowstone erupted.

Most people I’ve spoken to have welcomed the Fall chill right along with me. But the kids? The weather change seemed to have flipped a switch in them.

Yesterday at Kindergym, it was mass hysteria. There were children running and screaming, often in circles, with arms waving and tongues hanging out of their faces. They howled and kicked. They spun out. There was a great deal of fake falling down.

I watched the shy girl in class – the one who has never spoken a word – hang from her mother’s arm, kick and scream, “Nooooooo!”

I watched another, normally well-behaved child, slap her mother in the face for telling her to wait her turn.

Julia, being a pacifist, mostly picked her nose.

I watched the horror unfold from above the gym floor in my balcony seat. It looked like 28 Days Later without the blood.

Once class was over, the kids stumbled away from their carpet squares, briefly distracted by the ink of positive reinforcement the teacher had stamped on their hands. Parents seized the moment, scrambling to zip jackets and tie shoes. We shook our heads as we herded the kids out the door telling each other it must be the weather that’s made these kids so crazy.

I mean, it has to be the weather. That or rabies.

The Best Little Whorehouse On Baltic

Julia was extra-super good at her piano class today, so Dave and I decided to reward her with lunch at her favorite eatery.

Or maybe I suggested we grab a bite to eat and let Julia pick the place because I knew she’d choose McDonald’s and that’s where I really wanted to go.

Once it was settled, I told Dave, “I want a Big Mac meal.”

“Wouldn’t you rather go to Wendy’s for a Baconator?”


“Preganancy cravings?”

“No. Monopoly. You get extra game pieces with the Big Mac meal.”

Yeah, Monopoly. The only thing that could come between me and a Baconator. It started at McDonald’s on October 2 and, since then, I’ve been there as often as I can, in good conscience, to play the game.

Let me warn you, if you’re thinking about telling me that fast food is bad for you and judge judge judge and preach preach preach, just stop. Don’t say a word. You’re up against MONOPOLY. You cannot win. Not with truth. Not with logic. NOT WITH ANYTHING!

I am fully aware that the child I’m carrying may be born with red hair and a clown nose. I completely expect that when the doctor puts that Doppler on my belly next week, we’ll hear “Ba-da Ba Ba Baaa I’m lovin’ it.” But, it’s MONOPOLY! And it’s pure marketing genius.

And this is why McDonald’s perplexes me. How can they give me something as wonderful and perfect as Monopoly, then turn around and hand my child something like this?

McDonald's Toy

Luckily, Julia was busy in the play area when we opened her Happy Meal and discovered this prize.

I took her out of her plastic package and showed her to Dave.

“Girlfriend is wearing a whole lotta make-up, isn’t she?”

He took her from my hand, looked her over and said, “She’s not wearing much either. I don’t like how short her skirt is,” and handed her back.

“Bare midriff…look at those ‘ooooh’ lips. She looks like a prostitute,” I said and looked closer. A little shocked, I held her up to Dave, “David. Look at her lips. And her chin. And her neck.”

He leaned in closer.

I pointed and said, “She looks like a prostitute that just finished a job, if ya know what I mean.”

“Oh my goodness. Does she have a pearl necklace?”

McDonald's Toy 2

I don’t know about you all, but it looked that way to me. It seems funny that people who would go to so much trouble to give this little toy the detail of having holes in her ears so you can tell they are pierced, would get so darn sloppy with their glue.

We decided not to give her to Julia. Instead, I hid her with our stash of sex toys. You know, where she’d feel at home.

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