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Go Nigel, Go!
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Would You Like To Buy My Monkeys?
Jan
15
My Planet Of Regret
by Leslie
My last words to her were, “Heather, we don’t have to be friends, you know. Just because we always have been. We really don’t have to anymore.” And I made my exit with every ounce of drama I’d absorbed from bad television and movies in my 22 years of living.
Of course, I completely expected to have the opportunity to apologize and make things right before the ending. But this wasn’t on television or in the movies. This was life. And I never had the chance to fix it.
My friend Heather died 9 years ago today. She had been my best friend for most of my life. She was like no one I’ve met before or since.
I have so many amazing memories of her - she is synonymous with my youth. So when I sat down to write about her, I thought about the stories I could tell; I felt like I needed to share something that would capture her spirit - something lively and outrageous. But the only memories I can conjure are the ones that hurt the most - the last words I said to her, that devastating phone call, the sight of her broken body in veiled casket, and the words from her mother, “She saw that you got married…” and then tears.
I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life. I’ve exhibited bad judgement. I’ve done things I’m not proud of. But this? This is different.
People say, “Give it time.” Time hasn’t made this feel any better.
I miss my friend. And I often wonder if I’ll ever get to experience friendship like that again, because I haven’t found it since.
Comments
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Ooooooh. Aaaaah.
First, you have to forgive yourself. She would want you to. Second, write her a letter. She’ll see it. Third, I’ve never had another friend like my best friend from 7th grade through a couple of years after graduation. We still have lunch once a month, but, of course, it’s not the same as those crazy days way back when. I’ve had lots of “best friends” in my life. Still, there’ll always only be one Judy and one best “best friend.”
Oh, Leslie, I’m so sorry. Huge hugs.
Leslie, I don’t know what to say to this. It made me cry though. You really do need to forgive yourself. Heather knows how you feel. She knows you are sorry. Hugs.
Oh sweetie…. she is in another realm now where all past hurts are forgotten and forgiven. Only the good memories surround her along with the love you had for each other. You may have other best friends but you’ll never have another like her. Cherish that thought and the good memories also. (((HUGS)))
She is your best friend? Then of course she forgives you….that’s what best friends do.
I love the idea about writing her a letter…….then maybe send it in a balloon. Yes I know the balloon isn’t actually going to make it to heaven but it might lift that heavy weight off of your shoulders.
Saying a special prayer just for you tonight.
hugs
OOO
(((hugs))) just hugs.
I hope it gets easier eventually for you.
Oh sweetie, I’m so sorry. I wish I could give you a big hug and the knowledge that Heather forgives you. And give you the ability to forgive yourself. I agree with the letter writing idea. I think that will help, at least a little bit. I hope sharing it helped you too.
This is beautiful Buck.
I have thought so much about this concept you mention, about the best friends we have when we are Becoming. Like you, I believe those are our best best friends. Ever.
I am sorry for your loss. And like other commenters above, wish you love and peace.
You are a brilliant human being, Leslie. You honor Heather with this piece.
I’m sorry… that’s all.
Heather sounds like a great friend. She would have to be for you to still have feelings like this after 9 years. We all say things we later regret, but Heather being your good friend, would know you didn’t really mean what you said.
I’m so sorry. Like everyone said above, you have to forgive yourself. Hugs to you…
I wish I had something comforting to say. Something that would take away the guilt and hurt that you’re feeling.
*hugs* I think she already knows.
Time will not heal all no matter how many people veiled in black tell you it will. I lost someone very close to me 4 years ago and I still have regret for not appologizing and just letting go of stuff that really didn’t matter. It was a lesson learned in a very sad and morbid way. I believe that everyone enters and exits your life for a reason. Maybe her final thing to do on earth was to give you the gift of learning what you have. I know it’s hard to try and see light around such a dark cloud, but it’s there. I promise.
HUGS
Oh Darlin’, I think you have just made you peace with her, just maybe you don’t realise it yet. Oprah says, “When you know better, you can do better.” Not all lessons are easily learned or come without pain. And no, you may never have the same friendships, but that does not lessen their value. And right now as a young mother (forget all that “old” shit, just because you are forced to act like a grown-up does not mean you are old!) your life will be so busy that you will not really have time to nourish close friends. But there will come a time, and into that time will come someone or several someones that you will come to cherish. Be patient. Learn what you can. Love when you can. And let go when you must.
(Don’t I sound like a wise old biddy now?!)
[…] Less than a year later, my friend died. I gained twenty more pounds. […]