Feb
5
The Bratz Bathroom Bummer
by Leslie
Julia is almost always engaging in some form of imaginary play. Sometimes she’s a cat or a dog. Or Pipa the Pig. She is often a super-hero or a mommy or a princess. All of these things, I have felt, have been healthy ways for her to build her language, social and emotional skills while promoting problem solving and abstract thinking. I pay close attention to her pretend play, because it often gives me important clues about the issues at the forefront of her mind and lets me know how she’s interpreting the world around her.
Today, as she splashed in the tub where she is usually a mermaid, she completely surprised me by standing up, popping her hip, flipping her hair and saying, “Mom, I’m one of the Bratz.”
It took all of my willpower to keep from rolling my eyes.
Bratz. Ugh.
I do not approve of Bratz. The only reason Julia is aware they exist is because she has seen them in the store and on television commercials. It seems that’s been enough for her to decide that they are awesome.
I’ve tried to be careful about how strongly I’ve opposed Bratz. I’ve had the feeling that an emotional response would only make them more appealing. So, I’ve been cool, yet firm. When we see them in the store or on television, I gently redirect her attention. And when she has flat out asked for them, I’ve explained that I believe they are not appropriate toys because they wear too much make up, not enough clothes and their posture and poses look sexy and sexy is not for kids.
And so I repeated my usual explanation, but I knew it wasn’t enough. She was identifying herself with the Bratz. We had to talk about it. So, I said, “I’ve told you why I don’t like the Bratz. Now, I’d like to know why you like them.”
She said, “Well, they wear sparkly things and have make-up on their lips and their fingers and toes and that means they’re beautiful.”
And that’s when my brain flooded. I recognized that his was an incredible moment to teach her something. What I said next was really going to count. There was so much I wanted to say, but what do I say first? What is the most important thing she needs to know? How do I make her understand?
I took her hand, looked in her eyes and said, “Julia, sparkly things and make-up are lots of fun, but they don’t make you beautiful. Those things are extra. And the girls who use those things too much, usually do because they don’t know that they’re beautiful without them.”
She just looked at me. Did she get what I was saying?
I put my hand on her cheek and got very close and said, “Julia, you are beautiful. And do you know what makes you that way?”
She shook her head no.
I put my hand on her chest and said, “Your heart. You are beautiful because of who you are and what’s in your heart.”
Then she said, “And you love me?”
“Yes, I love you because you’re you.”
With that, she was back to playing. I sat there on the floor of the bathroom with a heavy heart. Here, at the age of three, at a time in her life when I monitor everything she does and sees and hears, she is still receiving this powerful message about beauty and her worth. And I am afraid when I think of the future, when she’ll move away from me and I won’t be there every moment to supervise and interpret and guide her and reassure her. Am I doing and saying the right things often enough, loud enough, with enough conviction that when the time comes and I’m not there, she’ll still know her worth? Lord, I hope so.
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Yes, yes and OH YES!! You are teaching her by example, Leslie. You have a beautiful heart and have your head on straight. You have your priorities in order and show her what really matters every day!!! She IS beautiful, just like you.
Don’t worry. Well, of course you will worry but follow up the worry with confidence.
I’m such a makeup queen and LOVE glitter and gloss but my boys know, by seeing me struggle with weight issues, that what is on the inside matters most, it’s the essence of who you really are. If soap can take it off at night, it’s not important.
I aspire every day to be the kind of parent you are. You’re a fantastic role model for Julia just as you will be for Lucy.
But for God’s sake, tell me how you manage to get down on the bathroom floor and then back up again? I can’t do that now and I’m not pregnant!!!!!!
Great job Leslie. I am absolutely panicked now that I know I am carrying a little girl. I just hope when those moments face me, and they will, that I will have the composure to explain to her why that stuff doesn’t matter. Instead of saying something like, “Because Bratz are hookers and we don’t want to be a little hooker right sweetie.”
I must have really, really heard what an adult neighbor said when I was about 12 or 13 years old: “Powder and paint … make you what you ain’t.” It was supposed to be funny, but it annoyed me at the time. In 1972 (when I was 32) I quit wearing make-up. I didn’t even wear lipstick after that. Guess what? In the intervening 35 years, I haven’t noticed being less popular or being shunned or even being less desirable … I remarried in 1979. Once or twice I’ve had someone ask if I chose not to wear make-up for religious reasons … nope, just made the choice that I am who I am, just like the guys who didn’t wear make-up (and few, if any, did in the 1970s). Why are women in our culture made to feel that they are NOT okay (or beautiful) without making themselves “what they ain’t”?
You said exactly the right thing to your daughter. And I say, Good for you!
What a brilliant, kind and gentle answer Leslie. YOU are beautiful! BTW, though… I also think 3-/4-year-olds also just love sparkly things. To them, that may be beautiful not because the women are, but the sparklies are. Or maybe not. But you sure had a teachable moment there and that was brilliant.
What a fabulous answer. I guarantee Julia will always know her worth because of having a mom like you.
BTW, we taught Ironflower to say “Ew, Bratz” whenever she saw a Bratz toy (back when she would obey us on stuff like that). She still says she hates them. But she also loves make-up and costumes so I’m not sure if that was the right move.
Oh, I hear you. Bratz are banned in this house. I had to tell everyone at Christmas not to get them for Zoe because I’d chuck them. She doesn’t seem to mind a whole lot. She gets that they are sleezy-looking, even if at 6 she can’t articulate what “sleezy” is.
You gave Julia a perfect answer, and she has a great example to follow.
Right on… you hit the mark on this one…
I think you managed that situation perfectly. I can’t think of a better explanation or a more loving way of delivering it. Your daughter is lucky to have you!
Very nice and good for you, Leslie. Luckily, our girls are not into Bratz (yet). But regardless, I think all kids (and grown-ups too) need to know we’re beautiful because of our heart and who we are and not because of makeup and clothes.
Oh she’ll know–you’re so good to take the time to explain these hard things rather than just brushing her off because you’re too busy or something (something I constantly struggle with myself).
You’re a good mom and she’ll learn good things from you.
Gosh you did a good job explaining to her! I admire you alot and I am not looking forwards to these kinds of conversations myself.
Wow! Good response. It is heartbreaking, isn’t it?
I think that response was just perfect and this story brought tears to my eyes. I hope that I can be as clear when this moment comes for us. Yay Leslie!
You’re such a good mom. And BRATZ SUCK! Seriously, who buys those? Any child young enough to play with dolls is too young for Bratz! And any whore, I mean girl, old enough to be allowed to play with themshould not want to play with dolls!
“Julia, sparkly things and make-up are lots of fun, but they don’t make you beautiful. Those things are extra. And the girls who use those things too much, usually do because they don’t know that they’re beautiful without them.”
That is such a great response! I soooo want to remember that if I ever have a daughter. You are so wise and so hit the nail on the head with that response! Kudos Mommy!
DD2 was a bit older when these dolls came out. I felt no compunction whatsoever in telling her how nasty and horrible I found them. I said they were ugly and artificial. My husband went over the top with his funny shivers at how repulsive he found them. She laughed, but got the message. Now she doesn’t even ask to watch the TV cartoon, even though it comes on right after one we let her occasionally watch.
I am also really pissed off at the new version of Barbie. Matel has really disappointed me with this.
I had to wipe away tears. What a kind, sincere, loving thing to tell her. And you speak to my heart when you wondered what would happen when you aren’t there…Thank you for sharing!
[...] The Bratz bathroom bummer at My Mommy’s Place — an excellent model for dialoging with our girls about not so innocent fun [...]
Yep, it’s scary how much little girls are bombarded by the insidious advertising. There was even a Phineas and Ferb episode devoted to it (“Flawless Girl”), where Candace finally realizes the “perfect girl image” is being made constantly unattainable in an effort to buy more and more cosmetics, jewelry, etc. My Emily is not yet even 2 years old, but I fear for her at times, and am always constantly vigilant not to make a “big deal” about her appearance.
Leslie, you are such a great mommy – your kids ARE beautiful, and I for one think you’ve done a great job.