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Go Nigel, Go!
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Would You Like To Buy My Monkeys?
Jul
19
Exercising, Er, Exorcising Demons
by Leslie
I used to have panic attacks.
They started during my junior year in high school and went on for nearly a year. Two or three times a week, about an hour after I’d fall asleep, I’d wake up gasping for air. My chest would hurt and I’d feel dizzy. Once, I even lost consciousness and ended up in the hospital! I still don’t understand why they happened. At the time, my doctor seemed to think it had something to do with stress. So, he helped me devise a relaxation routine that included music, stretching and guided imagery meditation.
I always started my relaxation routine with a song I loved: Book Of Days by Enya. It was the same song I listened to when I went running.
Yes, I used to run.
“Really?” ask the skinny people choking back laughter.
Yes, really.
“Yeah, like when you were 8 and they made you run laps in gym class.”
Um, no. I was 16 and vain and trying to attract boys!
Anyhow. I hadn’t listened to that song in a long, long time. Years, even. Then, I came across the CD last week. I transferred it to my iPod and a few nights later, after everyone else was alseep, I gave it a listen. You know, for old time’s sake.
It was amazing. Within fifteen seconds, my body began to relax. From my feet up to my face, I started to feel all warm and liquid. I closed my eyes and for the next two minutes, I almost believed that if I opened them up, I’d find myself in my old room. I relished the sensation. But when the song ended, so did the feeling. I was back on earth.
The next day, as Julia played and I sat stranded on the couch breastfeeding Lucy, I flipped on What Not To Wear. I’ve caught bits and pieces of a lot of those kind of shows - What Not To Wear, Clean House, Ten Years Younger - while breastfeeding Lucy, because they’re one of the few grown-up shows I can watch without fear of Julia walking in and seeing something inappropriate. Like Mankini.
The woman on the show was talking about some horrible thing she’d gone through and how she’d been hiding out in her body, under unattractive clothes, as a result. And I thought about all the people I’ve watched lately, coming to terms with their bad habits and baggage and how they all answered the question, “How did you get to this point?”
And then I looked down at the fat bubbling up over my pants and asked, “How did I get to this point?”
I thought about the 16 year old me that I’d glimpsed the night before - the girl who was having panic attacks. Over what? My hair and make-up and whether or not I was skinny enough to wear that strapless dress to the homecoming dance. In all fairness, there was more going on than that, but the thought that I was having stress-induced panic attacks then is laughable, because two years later, we learned that my dad was sick and I learned what stress really was.
It was fattening.
When my dad got sick, it was sort of horrific and sudden, so much so that my mom developed post-traumatic stress disorder. I drank my way through college, as you do, and graduated fifty pounds heaver.
Less than a year later, my friend died. I gained twenty more pounds.
Six years after that, my failing marriage finally succeeded in failing and by then I’d gained so much weight, I’d quit counting the pounds. I wouldn’t even get on a scale. In fact, I hadn’t really looked at myself in a mirror in two years.
Now, when I look in the mirror, I can’t help but feel as if I’m wearing my past. My father’s illness, my divorce - they hang on me, literally weighing me down.
I’d always assumed the weight would come off when I reached that “acceptance” stage of grief and got my certificate of completion. Not that I thought that I would wake up one day and, like magic, the extra pounds would be gone. (Athough, that’d be nice considering, in my mind, that’s how I put it all on. I just woke up one morning, looked in the mirror and called my mom, “Hey, did you know I was fat? Yeah? For how long? Because I just now noticed.”) I did, however, think that one day I’d wake up with the will to make them disappear. But that day hasn’t come yet.
I’ve been spending a lot of time, lately, wondering why.
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Oh hun. I don’t think there is anything I can say.
((hugs))
I can assure u that u r not alone.
I can relate to everything….well, except the divorce.
I too have suffered from anxiety attacks since I was a teen. I too have been waayyyyy over weight for too damn long.
When I was 23 I weighed 140lbs…..I thought I was fat then.
I now weigh 100 more lbs……I now realize I was skinny. Dammit…..& I missed it.
((((hugs))))) from one overweight, but damn lovable Momma to the other.
XO
We all have our own personal “why” questions my friend.I too have had the panic attacks, the failed marriage, the overweight problem, and the list goes on. It seems at times that even if we know the answer to the question “why”, we can’t find a solution. You have a loving husband and 2 beautiful girls, so I think you’ve done pretty good for yourself. We just have to love ourselves as much as thye love us. (((HUGS)))
Oh sweetie, what a great post. Does it help to know that millions of people are in the same position for similar reasons…? You’ll figure it all out when you’re ready.
As a side note: I love Enya. Any of her stuff, really. The one album (the one with Book of Days on it) reminds me of a vacation I took with my friend and her family when I was 16. We played that tape (yeah, a tape) over and over that week. Now when I hear it, I’m 16 years old on the beach in The Outter Banks, N.C. all over again. Great stuff.
I used to run too, now I just watch them run by and want to throw things at them. Damn runners. Whatever, they’re prematurely aging their knees…right? Right.
I’m the same way. There is something about stress that makes me gain weight, whether I’ve been eating more or not. I opened a profile on traineo.com if you would like to join me we can work on it together. My profile is slerickson242.traineo.com. Good luck!
Oh Leslie. I don’t even know what to say to this. Losing weight is just SO HARD. It’s so easy to pack on (hello, 50 pounds in a year), but finding the will power to actually get it back off is tough. I hope you find a way though, because being fat when you don’t wanna be fat sucks.
Leslie, I SO know what you mean… during the last 4 and a bit years the whole infertility thing has wieghed me down (up?) so badly and I never realised how much weight I had put on…
One day I woke up and I was like Whoa Nelly - and I decided to see a dietician to help me lose weight… I have now lost quite a bit and still have some to go, but all I can say is that you have to have that “Whoa nelly” moment yourself - otherwise you will never do anything about it…. Don’t put pressure on yourself for that moment - it comes when you least expect it!
I think you’re great either way
Well, having two kids in the house doesn’t help. Too bad we can’t be rich like movie stars. Then we can hire several nannies to raise our kids so we can workout and do normal adult stuff. But then we would miss out on raising our kids.
What a great post. I feel like I could have written it myself, almost. I wish I could give you a hug and make it all better.
This is a gorgeous, wonderful post and as you can see from your readers’ comments it strikes a chord.
I love you. You make me think.
I am so there with you. I got sick in highschool, REALLY sick and I have yet to be healthy again. I feel like I am still using it as an excuse. That was 12 years ago. And about 5000 starbucks frapaccinos(sp?) ago. Sad. Hang in there, the motivation will come, or so Im told.
Check out sparkpeople.com by the way, free and motivational.