Month: September 2008 (page 1 of 3)

The Best-Laid Plans

What’s worse than no sex?
Thinking that you might have sex
but you don’t get to.

That night, I dreamed that I choked on a chicken mcnugget. I choked on chicken. Coincidence? Or maybe I just really need to get some.

(And yeah, I wrote “laid” in the title. Hehe.)

It’s Good Enough For Me. Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeeaaaah!

Every night at bedtime, Julia hears a story or twelve. Usually, I read them to her from a book. Now and then, I’ll tell an original story that I make up on the spot. Julia is crazy about these stories. I enjoy the opportunity to plant my motherly ideals in her tender young mind under the guise of entertainment. It’s very effective. Julia is still talking about the story of Lija, the girl who refused to listen to her mom and fell into a hole and landed in No-Listen Land where the children were filthy because they never took baths and the toys were all broken because no one ever picked them up, and you get the idea. Lija did chores for five years straight in the No-Listen Land castle in order to get back home. Luckily, when Lija returned from No-Listen Land, no time had actually passed and she got the chance to listen to her mother this time, which she did. She grew up to be a pharmacist.

A few nights ago, I was so exhausted by the time we got to the story part of the bedtime routine that I just turned out the light and hoped Julia would forget it. She didn’t. I was too tired to turn the light back on and find a book, and the idea department in my brain was closed for the day, so I told her the story of The Karate Kid. Also, The Goonies.

On Sunday, Julia was hanging out with her grandma who was in the living room working on sock monkeys and watching television, and The Goonies happened to be on. Julia watched. About the time the Goonies found the Fratelli’s hideout, she realized it was the bedtime story I’d told her a night or two before. Though I tried to explain that I’d learned the story from watching the movie, she now believes that I’m responsible for the cinematic distribution of The Goonies adventure. She’s pretty much convinced that I know them personally and keeps telling me how much she’d like it if Sloth could come and visit us sometime.

I think tomorrow night I’ll start telling stories about Wonder Woman. Perhaps I’ll happen to leave a lasso laying around and utter the occasional, “Where is that Secret Belt of Strength?” Maybe then she’ll actually listen when I ask her to pick up her toys.

I Love Days Like This

no preschool today
because of the county fair
still in pajamas

There’s Nothing Easy About This Oven

My mom and I loaded up the girls and hit some yard sales on Saturday, because you know I love me some yard sales. Finding quality items at rock bottom prices – Hello Baby Gap overalls for $1.00! – I can’t think of a better way to spend a Saturday.

It seems that Julia has inherited the yard sale gene. She took along a plastic glitter Easter egg filled with coins she’d stolen from my purse so she could shop. And color me an asshole, but somehow we ended up coming home with a bunch of junk for Julia and her Easter egg was none the lighter.

Her treasures included a cute little flower play-doh extruder, a free (I’m rolling my eyes here) Boobah toy (because we don’t do Boobah) and a stinkin’ Easy Bake Oven. Actually, it wasn’t even an Easy Bake Oven; it was a knock-off – a TastyBake Oven.

I tried not to get it. I used everything in my arsenal: reasoning, distraction, bribery. None of it worked. The kid dragged that box around after me through the whole sale and when I finally went to pay for my freaking awesome brand new pasta pot strainer still sealed in the box for 75% off the regular purchase price, she shouted, “Don’t forget to pay for my oven, Mommy. I’m going to bake you cupcakes!”

“We can do that with the regular oven,” I said.

“It’s only a dollar,” the yard sale lady offered.

And so, Julia procured an old ass Easy Bake Oven wannabe with a dust coating so thick, it looked like it’d been in storage since 1978.

Mother flippin TastyBake

The moment we pulled into our driveway, she began asking to use it and continued asking every thirty seconds as I nursed Lucy and went to the bathroom. Just as my eye was starting to twitch, we opened the box. It contained one stupid TastyBake oven. The utensils and the oh-so-crucial tiny pan were missing. I recommended that we forgo the TastyBake and simply make something in the real oven, but that just wouldn’t do. So, I cleaned the TastyBake oven while Julia recited its benefits, the most important being the ability to do it all by herself.

I fashioned a tiny pan from foil cupcake cups. We plugged the oven in for the 20 minute preheat. It smelled bad. Julia prepared a brownie mix and spooned a few tablespoons into her makeshift tiny pan and waited anxiously. I poured the rest into a muffin pan to make brownie bites in my real oven. Julia waited some more, then put her tiny pan in the fully preheated TastyBake oven and pressed the fake buttons. Moments later, my brownie bites were finished. We ate them.

Thirty minutes later, her TastyBake brownie was ready. Sort of. One half was baked to perfection, while the other half was still gooey and batter-like. Then, she refused to eat it because I pulled it out, which meant she didn’t get to do it all by herself.

Mother flippin’ TastyBake Oven. I hate you.

It’s Pumpkin Picking Time!

Last week our playgroup took its annual trip to a pumpkin patch. This year, we visited the patch at Maize Valley Market and Winery, which was great fun.

Here’s Julia on a GIANT hay bale pyramid.

Julia at the tippy top of the hay bale pyramid

Everyone was kind of freaking out that she was up there at the tippy-top, bouncing around all wild and carefree, including me, but I figured I might as well snap a shot for posterity. Or evidence, depending on how her descent turned out.

While uploading the pictures, I couldn’t help but compare them to last year. Take a look. (This year’s pictures are on the left, last year’s on the right.)

Julia picks her pumpkin Julia picks her pumpkin

in the corn maze Julia in the corn maze.

Julia and her pumpkin Julia and her pumpkin on the wagon.

Sure, we did the same things this year that we did last year – that’s what makes it a tradition. It also makes it easy to see how Julia and our family has grown.

sisters at the pumpkin patch

My favorite thing about this picture is that Dave actually believed he was hidden behind the baby. He kept asking me, “Can you see me? Am I hidden?”

“Like a camoflauge truck babe.”

Gifts

my heart’s a flutter
thanks to Dana‘s cute birthday boy
and his Monkey Joe

Seriously. Click that link to see the most adorable photo ever of a boy and his monkey. (The picture is at the bottom of the post.)

I’M BACK BI-ATCHES!

I’ve got a sexy new Air Card. It’s blinking its little blue light at me, which is its way of saying “I love you. I love you. I love you.” Sometimes it tells me I’m hot, too.

God, I love technology!

And here’s the bonus: it is infinitely faster than the service formerly known as my internet provider, HughesNet, and it costs less. Sayonara Hughe and your crumby old net. I’m on the information superhighway now. Eat my road, grit liver lips!

I’m just so glad to be back on-line. My world was at a stand still without the internet. My bank account was unbalanced. There was nearly a pox upon our house as I panicked when Julia woke up with an ungoogleable rash and incited a small chicken pox scare. And you missed out on my short-lived, but deep and intense re-infatuation with Cyndi Lauper.

But, being without electricity and internet for an extended period of time wasn’t without its rewards. I spent a lot of time listening to the radio. I’m totally in love with I’m Yours. I want Jason Mraz to be my boyfriend. He’s not the type I usually go for – he’s kind of small and, you know, I’m big. But that’s okay. He could live in my cleavage and just climb up on my shoulder and serenade me now and then or something. We’d make it work.

Also, I heard, for the first time in my life, a song that has made it impossible for me to be sad ever again: MacArthur Park by Richard Harris. I fell in love with it right away because it sounded a bit like Gary Puckett to me. (And you know how I feel about him; he’s the only thing other than Urban Cowboy that can make chauvinism sexy.) I can’t tell you how much this song makes me want to go find a karaoke bar right now. Please, go listen to it. All seven minutes. Please. You must. Even if you’ve heard it before. It’s by Dumbledore for goodness sake. Go listen. Even if it takes a while to load it up. Wanna know how long it took for me to load it up? No time. I clicked play and it played immediately. Dammit, I love that Air Card. It’s so fast and cheap. I’m taking it to bed with me tonight.

Grandma’s Moment

Grandma's Birthday Moment

Julia whispers
as we sing Happy Birthday
“This is your moment.”

Can you believe this woman is 51? I’m so glad I have her genes.

At The Library, Ya Know?

That title should be sung in the spirit of Another Bad Creation’s song that goes, “at the playground, ya know?” If I had an internet connection at home, I would have taken the time to Google the lyrics and get the song title and probably link it up to a YouTube video, but I have no internet connection at home.

STILL.

And when I can get to the library and access the internet – which is when and only when the planets are aligned and God is smiling on me and it’s an odd day of the month and I’m wearing green and the baby will sleep for more than 45 seconds – I’ve been swimming in the hand-made hotness that is Etsy. Because sock monkeys sell even when the electric goes out and the internet goes down. There is nothing that can make people stop wanting sock monkeys. And I’m on a sock monkey bender, bi-atches!

(Sorry about the bi-atches thing. I really don’t think you’re a bi-atch. It was just something I thought I’d try out for emphasis rather than doing, like, three exclamation points. If you really hate the bi-atches thing, pretend there are exclamation points there. And if you’re really offended at my misuse of the exclamation point, you probably hate the fact that I start 39% of my sentences with “and” or “but” and I kind of forget where I was going with this, but what I really want to say is: I’ve missed you. During this time apart I’ve realized how much I love you. How much? Hard. I love you real hard. I’d never call you bi-atch to be mean. I’d only call you a bi-atch, because deep down I thought you’d like it.)

Anyhoo.

Want to know what’s awesome about my internet service provider, HughesNet? Nothing. But, here are a few things that are not awesome about them.

  1. While they claim to be an internet service provider, they are not always able to provide me with internet. Like right now.
  2. When I call them to get help with my internet service, I rarely get someone who is a) nice b) understandable and c) able to keep my call connected.
  3. They are charging me 2.3 million dollars for a new modem. Okay. Not really. But almost.
  4. Since my service with them began, I’ve been paying for a package that includes express repair, which means absolutely nothing, obviously, as I am all out of internet and so lost without you and they are mailing me a modem.
  5. I’m pretty sure that HughesNet is a misprint and it’s actually Hughe’s Net and Hughe is some dude doing dirty business out his mom’s basement.

But, at least I’ve got the library. And the kooky old lady who consistently complains quite loudly that the lady behind the reference desk talks too loud and is reading this over my shoulder right now. ( Ha! Caught you kooky old lady!!!) At least I’ve got that. And the thought of you internets. My dear, sweet bi-atches.

You killed our internet! You Bastard!

Ike rolled through our town.
Knocking down trees, power lines,
And our internet.

Dave here as a Haiku substitute using the Library Wi-Fi while the WonderSis is in preschool. Ike toasted our modem and it will take 4-6 business days to get a new one – but we are all alive and well. Power was knocked out for about 3 days and we were heating up bath water on the propane grill – but we made it. Although I think Leslie is getting that nervous twitch again from the lack of the net. These could be a LONG week.

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