So, yesterday was the big first day. She did great. She was so excited!

I had so many emotions going on that I couldn’t possibly put them into words. I couldn’t even handle them all at once, so I focused all my energy on the morning routine. I was like a drill sergeant getting everyone out the door by 8:15 a.m. on the button. Dave was so excited, he drove 75 miles per hour on the highway and got us there 8 minutes before drop-off even began. We waited in the van for 11 minutes, so as not to appear too eager. Those were eleven long minutes. I was trying to savor every one by attempting to engage Julia in a heartfelt discussion about growing up. She stood at the door of the van knocking on the window and repeating, “I’m ready to go in now!”

I walked her in to class while Dave and Lucy waited. She held my hand. Her teacher greeted us in the hallway and directed Julia to hang up her book bag. Then, she invited her into the classroom. Julia hesitated for a second, then started to walk in.

“Hey, can I get a kiss?” I asked.

“Sure!” she shouted and ran back to kiss me.

I stole a hug and told her to have a great day. She walked right in without looking back. I lingered for just a few seconds, then headed for the door. The school director spotted me, gave a thumbs up and said, “You’re doing great.” I fought the urge to sprint over, embrace her and sob.

I got to the van and Dave noted that I was not crying. I told him I was strong. I made it three blocks. Then, I called my mommy and cried. But only for a few minutes! Then, I realized that I left my cell phone at home and we weren’t planning to go back home and what if the preschool needed to reach me and couldn’t? On her paperwork, the line that said, Phone number where I may be reached while my child is in school? I wrote my cell phone number. What if they needed to reach me? What if Julia was freaking out right at that moment? Dave assured me that he had his cell phone and they’d be able to get in touch with us if we were needed. I wanted to call the school to explain the cell phone situation, but Dave wouldn’t let me. He bribed me with a french vanilla cappuccino from McDonalds.

Twenty minutes later I had what I believe to be a hot flash.

Dave and Lucy let me go in solo to pick Julia up at the end of her preschool day. She looked good. She looked older. She was happy to see me. She asked if I missed her. I said I did. “Did you cry?” she asked.

“Just a little.”

“I didn’t cry,” she said.