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Oct
21
Of Course, I’m An Excellent Driver
by Leslie
The past few weeks, I’ve woken up most mornings to find frost on the ground outside. This is because I am up before the sun (which is totally against nature and should be illegal). By the time I drag Julia out of bed and we head out for school, the frost is gone.
NOT TODAY.
This morning, the frost was still on the ground. And my windshield. Since it takes Stella about fifteen minutes to even pretend she might blow some warm air, I had to scrape it, with a credit card while wearing a t-shirt and capri pants, because I’m not designed to handle cold weather. This made me late. Not I’ll-have-to-speed-to-get-there-late (because that’s actually what I call “on time”), but even-if-I-drive-as-fast-as-my-vehicle-will-take-me-I-still-won’t-make-it-late. That didn’t stop me from trying, however.
I called Dave for moral support and driving tips. Also, because I cannot just drive. It feels so wasteful to just sit there just steering and braking and accelerating, so I’m always doing something else. Like talking on my phone. Or eating a doughnut. Sometimes intricate hand motions to my favorite 80’s hits. Do you realize there are some people who become instantly irate at the sight of a woman talking on her cell phone or enjoying a baked good behind the wheel? It’s true! One of these people gave me the finger. When I told Dave, he made me hang up. I spent the rest of the commute alternating between calling out the time and making the bionic sound effect from The Six Million Dollar Man.
I have to tell you, I rather impressed myself. School starts at 9:00 a.m. I arrived at 9:01 a.m. It would have been 9:00 a.m. if I hadn’t hit that last red light before the school.
Once Julia was unloaded and I didn’t have to rush anymore, I still couldn’t slow down. I was high on speed! So, I called Dave. Actually, I called him Maverick and referred to myself as Ice Man while I told him about how I shaved at least a minute thirty off my drive time by drafting a white Solara on the highway, just like they do in NASCAR. Except I wasn’t driving a stock car, I was driving a regular car.
“So that’d made it RASCAR,” he said.
“Actually, NARCAR,” I corrected. Because I’m still anal retentive, even when high on speed.
Then we pondered who would win a regular car race - an hourly employee who was late for work and risking the loss of money or a mom who was late to drop the kid off at preschool with the potential of up to one full hour of time to herself at stake. We pretended to be announcers for that race for a while. Then, he said, “You could have an anti-diarrhea medication as your sponsor. For when your life is on the go.”
I laughed so hard, I almost peed. Until I saw a cop. Then I said, “Hold on,” and threw my phone down. Because, are we actually allowed to talk on our cell phone while we drive? People do it all the time, but I thought that maybe I’d read somewhere that it’s against the law now or something. Anyway, I didn’t want to press my luck. I’d sped all the way to the school and that cop was giving me the stink eye. He didn’t pull me over, but hypnotized me to put my phone down with that hard stare.
I went slower on the way home. You know, for karma. My average speed on the commute to and from the preschool wasn’t over the limit. I call that my flexible speeding plan. Dave calls it being a terrible driver.
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Ooooooh. Aaaaah.
I know exactly what you are talking about. Sitting there just driving…what a waste of my multitasking mommy skills. I ALWAYS return phone callls in the car. Probably not the safest thing, but when else am I going to have both kids strapped down and me completely free to talk on the phone?
Haha you crack me up!
And I have to say the mom would win in the race LOL.
Stephy
Just found your blog and I am cracking up. Here in California it is illegal to hold the phone to your ear while talking, but OK to hiold it in front of you and use the speaker phone. How stupid is that?
You are so funny…
I’ll race ya.
Flexible speeding plan…HA! You are so funny.
And I also consider speeding the entire way to preschool being on time. Which is probably why I got a ticket a couple weeks ago. Damn those cops.
Tut tut for driving and eating donuts! They should be eaten when you can relish every single bite and not have to concentrate on ANYTHING else! And as for yakking on the phone… well you would probably get a ticket here! Well, maybe not yet, but they are bringing it in as law eventually. *sigh*
Oh no, you’re one of those annoying people who drives while they are on the cell. Actually, I don’t care if people talk on their cell. I just don’t like the ones who have trouble controlling their car when they drive.