Month: January 2009 (page 1 of 5)

I Know. I KNOW. It’s All Starting To Sound Like Blah Blah Blah. (But I Mean It This Time.)

Diet? What diet?
I’ve been eating like a pig.
It’s out of control!

I’ve drifted off course.
Tomorrow I start anew.
I HAVE to do it.

This Is The Post Where Someone Wins

On Monday, I asked the internets: Haven’t you always wanted a monkey? And the answer was a resounding YES, we kind of do.

Thanks y’all. The monkey feels loved. Also a little conceited. The monkey keeps telling me, “I get more comments than you!” So, I’ll be happy to ship that crazy animal off to….

(This is where I announce the winner. You may want to make a drum roll sound.)

…STEPH! who was good enough to tease my brain with the following quote from Goodfellas: “As far back as I can remember, I always wanted to be a gangster.”

Me, too, Ray Liotta.

I also wanted to be a good song and movie quote guesser, but I’m not one of those either. Of the quotes submitted (which were AWESOME, by the way), I got about 60% correct. That’s a D, folks. Maybe even a D MINUS.

Good thing I didn’t talk trash beforehand or I’d look even stupider than I do right now. (And don’t try to tell me stupider isn’t a word. I got a D MINUS. WHAT DO YOU EXPECT FROM ME?)

Thanks to everyone who entered. And thanks to those of you who didn’t enter, but secretly wanted to. Also, thank you to everyone that didn’t want to enter, but read my blog anyway. If you’re reading this at all, thank you. I like you. Come back tomorrow, okay?

Super Charge Me

zap! shock! crazy hair!
static electricity
the bane of my life

The Night Before A Snow Day

on the floor playing
listening to the radio
will school be canceled?

we play memory
we read book after book and
Yes! school is canceled!

we don’t rush to bed
we play another game and
read a few more books

Lucy rubs her eyes
I tuck the girls into bed
we talk in the dark

Can you name three things
that start with the letter M?
mommy, moon, magic

Yummy starts with y
Does great-grandpa know he’s dead?
And can he see me?

I love you, Mommy
and all I hear is breathing
I listen, content

We Could Blow This Existence Right Out Into Space!

The metaphoric planets of Grimmett aligned this morning and Dave was actually off work and home when Julia’s preschool was canceled due to weather and we were all together. Like a family or something!

By the time we rolled out of bed and tumbled down the stairs, we were a bit giddy from all the togetherness. Dave started making breakfast and singing Everybody Wang Chung Tonight. Because he’s kind of awesome.

Julia said, “Actually, I hate that song.”

Dave asked if I had it on iTunes so I could play it for her. Because that’s what you do when you really love someone: give them lots more of what they don’t want.

“I don’t have it on iTunes, but there’s always YouTube!”

God Bless The YouTube.

I found it and played it. Julia groaned and cringed while Dave and I performed. (When we’re being Wang Chung, Dave’s the blond and I’m the other guy, but you probably would have guessed that.) When the video was over, the little YouTubey options to Share or Replay popped up along with some recommended videos. And there it was.

A long forgotten Wang Chung video.

(I would embed it here if I could, but I can’t, so you’ll have to click the link to watch. Especially watch at 2:01. Trust me.)

How could I have forgotten this song? I LOVE THIS SONG. I love this song so much, I played it about six times, forced Dave, the kids and the cat to dance with me. And then I sat down here to tell you about it, because I LOVE IT SO MUCH. Thanks to this song, I just may be in a good mood for the rest of my life! I mean, I ju-

Okay. Hold up.

What do you do if your infant daughter is chewing on something small and dangerous? Do you:

A. Jump your ass up and take it from her so she doesn’t CHOKE TO DEATH.
B. Go eat some broccoli.
C. Sit welded to your chair as you scream, “She’s not supposed to have that!” until your wife gets up from across the room and takes it from her, notices the stink swirling about her, then changes the poopy that you already knew the kid made.

Guess which Dave chose.

Freaking buzz kill.

For All You FaceBookers!

FaceBook in reality.

Found this through Twitter
Don’t remember who Tweeted
But it’s soooo funny

(P.S. You can follow me on Twitter. And follow my blog on Facebook. I’ll be your friend!)

The I Just Updated My Shit List Haiku

I like most people.
But, the few I do not like,
I really don’t like.

Decluttering My Conscience (To Make Room For The Big Stuff)

Dear Man Walking Behind Me On The Track Yesterday,

I wasn’t trying to annoy you by slowing down. I was hoping you’d pass me so I could pick my wedgie.

I found it quite curious that you would not pass, even when I slowed to nearly a stand still. Were you looking at my butt? It’s okay if you were.

Sincerely Chafed,
Leslie

*****

Dear 6th Street Mail Man,

I’m sorry for laughing when you slipped, yesterday. I know you didn’t see me or hear me, but the way you jumped up and looked around made me think you would have been embarrassed had you known.

Take Care Of Your Tushy,
Leslie

*****

Dear Propane Gas Delivery Man,

Thanks for rushing out here to fill our tank and for letting me know you’d arrived. I wasn’t trying to end our conversation by closing the door, I was hiding behind it so you wouldn’t see that I wasn’t wearing a bra. It was really cold out. I actually enjoyed your gas gauge anecdote.

Feeling A Tad Bit Nipply,
Leslie

*****

Dear Julia,

I have to tell you the truth: I ate the last ice cream sandwich.

My Deepest Apologies,
Mommy

*****

Dear Dave,

I ate your last 100 calorie cupcake pack. I also allowed Julia to believe that you ate the last ice cream sandwich. And I let her have Twizzlers for breakfast, but only because I lost a bet. She said she could fit into Lucy’s pants and I said, “No way.” It seemed like a sure thing.

I’m Real Sorry,
Leslie

*****

Dear Blubher Overhaul,

I’ve been cheating on you.

With A Heavy Heart And Heavier Ass,
Leslie

It’s Why You Might Find Me Unkempt And Staring Off Into Space, Mumbling About Zippers

a tug on her ear.
restless, crying without end.
Lucy is teething.

Haven’t You Always Wanted A Monkey?

Because I’m very generous – or maybe because I really like visitors and comments and deep down inside I’m dreaming that I’ll become your favorite blogger ever – I’m giving away a super-terrific, one-of-a-kind sock monkey.

Sock Monkey

This monkey is the perfect companion for snuggles on cold, lonely nights and long talks about your feelings. The monkey won’t judge you for eating the entire carton of ice cream. And you won’t hear a giggle when you pretend to accept an Oscar, perform Free Bird as an encore or dance in a Justin Timberlake video.

Kids like them, too.

And guess what?

Sock Monkey Butt

Monkey butt!

To enter to win, all you have to do is leave a comment on this post before January 30th at 10 p.m., Eastern Standard Time. I’ll select the sock monkey winner at random over the weekend. The winner will be notified via e-mail, so be sure to use a valid e-mail address in the comment form.

And, if you’re really cool and extra fun, include a favorite line from a song and/or movie in your comment. I’ll try to guess the title. I won’t even use Google. And, I’ll give you an additional entry in the giveaway.

You may also want to visit my sock monkey store on Etsy. Or subscribe to my blog feed. Because you’re cool like that.

And be sure to visit Bloggy Giveaways for more chances to win cool, free stuff!

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