Jan
17
Booby Trapped
by Leslie
Dave got a text message of some girl showing her boobs.
I know. I know!
You’ve got questions. How did you find out? Who sent it? IS DAVE STILL ALIVE?
Alright, settle down. Let’s talk about this.
We were in the car when it came. Dave opened up his phone to get the message and paused. I asked, “What is it?” and he handed me the phone. It was from our friend Will. (If I had to categorize our friends, Will would win Most Likely To Give You The Shirt Off His Back, also Most Likely To Land Dave In Jail.) He sent it in observance of “Flash Your Friend Friday,” an apparently pornographic holiday.
Now, if Dave were telling you about this, he’d point out that since A) the message was unsolicited and B) he showed it to me, that he is a blameless and honorable man. Then I would tell you that A) he showed it to me because he was within choking distance and B) after I rolled my eyes and handed the phone back, he simply closed it and put it in his pocket WITHOUT DELETING IT.
“Why, so you can go back and check them out later?” I asked.
“Why would I do that when I can look at yours?” he replied.
Well, maybe because mine look nothing like that? Mine are made of natural materials. They’ve also fed two children. Suffice it to say that no one would be forwarding a photo of my breasts.
The boobs didn’t belong to anyone he knows, which he claims is further evidence in his defense along with, “They were just boobs,” which was the perfect thing to say to the woman who owns the pair he professes to desire more than any other.
I didn’t have much more to say about it, so I crossed my arms, harumphed and looked out the window.
“Are you mad?” he asked quietly.
I shook my head no.
“It’s just that you seem mad.”
“Na-uh.”
“Are you sure you’re not mad?”
This line of questioning continued until he couldn’t take it anymore and cried, “Well, I’m sorry someone sent me a text message I didn’t even want and you got mad!”
“That’s not an apology,” I said flatly.
“Well, I didn’t do anything wrong!”
“Then don’t apologize.”
He had no response.
The truth is, it didn’t really make me mad. I was just messing with him. Until I realized that maybe I was just a little disappointed. Then our banter turned sober. I tried to let it go - I didn’t want to be that wife. You know, the uptight, unreasonable one that takes everything way too seriously. But it was too late.
I started to think about the first boy that ever touched my boobs, and how letting him do that had little to do with that physical part of me and more to do with my heart. Then it turned out he was having sex with some other girl. When I confronted him about it, he told me that it was nothing, just sex. He said he didn’t care about her, he was just having sex with her. He cared about me, he loved me, he was going to marry me - virginal little me, not some whore. Why did he have to have sex at all? Why couldn’t he wait to marry me? “Because I’m a guy!” he told me. “It’s different for us.”
I didn’t marry him.
Then I thought about the first man I had sex with, the one I did marry, and how I felt when I found his stash of porn. I had never seen anything like that before. For so many years, I’d been told that sex was special, but here was physical proof that it wasn’t. I was crushed. Why did he need that when he had me? My friends and even my future mother-in-law advised me, “Don’t take it personally. It’s no big deal. All guys look at porn.” Yep. Sometimes everyday. For hours a day. Sometimes they’d rather look at that than their wives.
I unmarried him.
Now here I was with Dave, whose entire porn stash was sitting in his cell phone, and I was unleashing all that hurt and insecurity on him. Did he deserve it? Not really. But he’ll have to accept the brunt of it until I see Will again.
Comments
26 Cool Kids Came To Play »
Trackback responses to this post
-
Stuff I Dig
-
You Should Do This
-
Ooooooh. Aaaaah.
Ooooh. I think you should text Will and give him a little piece of your mind. Who sends boobs? Honestly.
At least you are self aware enough to know why you reacted the way you did. That’s gotta count for something, right?
Yeah, who sends boobs? Will. I love him dearly, but geez! He was smart enough to advise Dave NOT to buy me a scale for Christmas, but didn’t realize that a boob text message might not go over too well? Gah!
Poor Dave. But hey, at least you put some thought into where the emotions come from.
The truth is, Dave is pretty innocent in all this. I’ve got a great guy. He even let me blog about it because he thought it was an important issue to talk about.
i love your honesty. i hate when friends of the hubby send stupid text messages and emails. it usually is no big deal, but still. i think you handled it as any other wife would, and gracefully.
Thanks. I really struggled with whether or not to write about this, and once I decided I would, I couldn’t decide how to do it. Should I be lighthearted? Should it be serious? I just tried to be honest.
That’s a tough spot to be in. I feel for you! I’m recently divorced and porn and other women had everything to do with it. It’s so hard to get past those insecurities.
It really is hard to get past those insecurities! And even when I start to think that I have, something like this reminds me that the wounds are still there.
Too funny - better go ask hubby if he got any interesting text messages lately! LOL
I’m just trying not to be the wife that checks his cell phone every day!
Wow, you sure handled that well. And good for you for knowing all that about yourself. You rule.
Aw, thanks. I don’t feel like I handled it well, though. At least I didn’t scream and cry and open the car door to try and jump out. That would have been worse.
Ummm, I totally am “that” wife. However, I too have my reasons why this is perfectly justifiable. I would probably take the phone and chuck it out the window. Either I’m honest or nuts. I can deal with either option. I think he should thank his lucky stars for a wife like YOU!
You’re honest. I WANTED to take the phone and chuck it out the window.
I don’t know if I’ll get hate mail for this but I’m going to go out on a limb here and say you handled it pretty well but you had every reason to be very upset.
1. There is an expectation of fidelity in marriage. That includes emotional as well as physical intimacy. For a man to be emotionally tied up through pornography is not only wrong and inappropriate but disloyal to his wife. It may be common but that doesn’t make it right.
2. Your husband may have received the email innocently enough but the proper thing for him to have done would have been to tell you that he was sorry his friend did that, that Dave was aware that it was inappropriate and that he would speak to his friend about the message and ask him not to do so again. AND he should have deleted it immediately right there. I’m rather shocked he didn’t.
3. Given your history with an ex-husband addicted to pornography (and YES it’s an addiction as real as drugs or gambling and at least with drugs you can flush them from your system while you can never get rid of the demoralizing effects of pornography) he should have been that much more eager to show his disdain for what happened. If nothing more than as a support and show of love for you and the pain you’d been through before.
Now I’m not trying to say that Dave is a horrible guy or anything but it really, really bugs me when women get that “it’s normal for a man to sleep around, have an affair, look at pornography, go to strip clubs (fill in the blank) because he’s a guy.” Where is the responsibility? When are we going to stop blaming hormones on everything we do (whether it’s guys messing around or women blaming their moods on PMS) and live a little better?
Okay, rant’s over
I’m impressed you had the guts to blog about something that affects so many marriages–hats off to you and good luck to you and your guy.
Yes! Yes! I agree with you. There is an expectation of fidelity in marriage, which is more than just NOT having sex with someone else. And pornography addiction is real and devastating.
Dave certainly isn’t a horrible guy, but I wish he had reacted a little differently, at least initially. After we talked, he deleted the text message, and he was good enough to support me and risk looking like the bad guy when I decided I wanted to write about it. We both feel like this sort of thing is an issue for a lot of people. I think it’s important to talk about. I’m so glad you commented. Thank you!
I don’t really know what to say to this. I think maybe the people that say “It’s just porn. All guys do it.” are the people who have never been with a guy who was SERIOUS about his porn. Like me. It’s never been an issue with me and Cleatus…in fact I make fun of him when I find a dirty picture on our computer. To me, not a big deal at all. Obviously, to you, it is. I hope Dave respects that and deletes his damn boobs. Tell him I will cut him if he doesn’t.
Dave’s a good guy. He deleted the boobs. And really? The whole thing shouldn’t have been such a big deal. It sucks to realize you’re still carrying baggage you thought you’d gotten rid of a long time ago.
I’m still going to get Will, though. Oh yeah, he’s toast.
Ugg… porn. I’m not one of those people who will ever tell you it isn’t a big deal. I’ve seen too many marriages devastated by something that is “no big deal”. But go easy on Dave. He’s one of the good guys.
Dave really is one of the good guys. He let me write about the whole thing! But yeah, porn. Turns out it’s kind of a big deal.
You should take it out on Dave’s friend.
Oh, I will. I WILL.
i’m in full agreement with the smart ladies around here. i wish when men watched porn LOUD sirens would go off and just humiliate them. so this way, if they still insisted on looking at it, there was pure embarrassment that went with it. they need to feel stupid when they look at it. because they are.
how often are they ok and casual about us looking at strange men’s naked parts? not very often.
it IS a damamging thing in marriages, relationships and i know men struggle individually with it. it just needs to not be so available -unfortunately, it is.
leslie, you are honest and i admire you. it’s what drew me in here to read you. keep it up, sister. we all stand with you.
Aw, thanks Lisa. You make me feel so good!
As far as porn goes, it’s out there. I think a lot of people have been hurt by it. I also believe there are plenty of good people - some of my readers - who view it personally or within the boundaries of healthy relationships, and I’m not trying to judge them. My experiences have brought me to a point where I know there really isn’t a place for it in my life.
I think it becomes a problem when it interferes with life and relationships, which is what happened in my first marriage. If looking at porn is “no big deal” to look at, shouldn’t it be “no big deal” to stop? Especially if someone you love is hurt by it? That was my big issue. And the double standard is annoying.
I really appreciate your comments on this post. It’s a subject a lot of people avoid. I’m glad you’re willing to talk about it with me.
i think you are brave to open this topic up for discussion. glad to be apart of the input.
this is a very touchy subject. but it needs to be discussed. just like anything hush hush. there are too many that hurt about it and feel isolated and alone and they are not alone.
women naturally feel ashamed, thinking it’s them and why aren’t they enough? when it can be a host of other non-related reasons. i came across a great article once about sexual addiction and where it can stem from. it was pretty in depth. if you’d like i can look for it and post. or do you think i am getting off topic and too deep?
You’re definitely not off topic. I’d love to see read that article!