It all started on Monday when we returned to our normal schedule after a week-long snowcation. It may have been because it was my first full day with significantly less caffeine than I am used to or because I’m on a I’m Making Crazy Decisions! bender (see deciding to cut back on caffeine on the first day back from snowcation), but when Dave handed me the flyer for The Biggest Loser competition at my walking place, I immediately said, “Yes! I WANT TO DO THIS.”

Apparently, I said it with enough conviction to inspire Dave to reverse his sleep schedule on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Sundays to be with the kids so I could participate.

“And look! There’s a Last Chance workout on Saturdays in case you miss one of the Tuesday/Thursday sessions!” Dave said, giving just one more reason why this idea was AWESOME.

Imagine my surprise when the trainer told me, “Oh, the Last Chance Workout? It’s not a make up session. Haven’t you seen The Biggest Loser? The Last Chance Workout is the one where I push you until you puke.”

Really? Because I thought that’s what the assessment was.

After orientation, the trainer had taken us to the aerobics room to “show us around.” Once we were trapped inside with no hope of escape, she said she wanted to assess our fitness level. The next thing I remember, I was lying face down with someone screaming in my ear, “You’re gonna do ten push-ups! I don’t care how long it takes! YOU’RE GONNA DO TEN!”

And OH! The pain.

Also, do you have any idea how long 30 seconds is? I’ll tell you: It’s A FUCKING LONG TIME. Especially when you’re forced to hold a squat position and someone is counting it down. When my legs started to jiggle and I couldn’t seem to stop breathing in (and not out), the trainer said, “Breathe in, ‘I am getting stronger.’ Breath out, ‘I am getting healthy.’ Say it, Leslie. SAY IT.”

I grunted, “This….is….hard.”

“Yeah, it is. You didn’t get where you are doing the hard stuff, did ya?”

Wow. I think that’s what you call adding insult to injury.

And then she made me get on the scale.

It was one of the most challenging hours of my life. So much so, that I cried most of the way home. But when the trainer asked, “Will we see you back on Thursday?” I said, “ABSOLUTELY.”

Because I’m gonna win this fucker.