I went shopping for clothes yesterday. I had to. Because, you know, BlogHer. And because my clothes were too big. My pants wouldn’t stay up and my shirts were starting to look all Flashdancy. So, I had to get new ones. Or become a nudist, which Dave felt was an idea worth considering, but I dismissed as soon as I sat down on a bed of goldfish cracker crumbs on the couch.

I hadn’t been looking forward to this shopping trip, partly because of my deep seated self worth issues, but mostly because I hadn’t had a good shopping experience in at least ten years. Shopping, for me, hadn’t been about finding something cute or that I liked, it was about finding something that fit. And where’s the fun when you have no choices? Or your choices are RED SWEAT PANTS or ROYAL BLUE STRETCH PANTS? Clothing is a basic need, style is not. No one knows that better than a fat person.

I pulled into a parking spot at the mall and my stomach flipped. I popped a piece of gum in my mouth to combat the temptation of the food court and steeled myself for disappointment. “Can a nudist fly naked on a plane to, say, Chicago?” I wondered. Then I took a deep breath and headed to Sears for their bra sale. And something amazing happened. The bras fit. Not just one or two, but FOUR. Four of the bras on the clearance rack FIT ME. And guess what? THEY HAD LACE ON THEM! I had finally lost enough weight to fit in a size that the fashion industry believes someone may actually have an interest in looking at, so much so that they were willing to apply lace to the undergarment! And here’s the best part: my total bill for FOUR BRAS? $24.99!!!! My last bra – the one I had to order special on-line at the Ugly Fat Lady store because they don’t sell a cup size I in the Regular store – was three times that amount, which meant I could only afford ONE that I had to wash and wear EVERY DAY. Now, FOUR BRAS! I shared this with the clerk who rang me up and I think I cried. Okay, I know I cried. But you understand. You would have cried, too.

After that, I was high. I think it’s what taking heroin probably feels like. And it only got better. I found three pairs of jeans, one denim skirt, five shirts, and three dresses plus one pair of awesome shoes for less than I had set aside to spend! I only shopped the clearance racks and secondhand stores, but I feel like a million bucks. And for the first time in a long time, I came home and did a fashion show for my family. And now, here’s one for you.

Sexy! Totally rockin' my cleavage Flirty!

Peach shirt, denim skirt Jeans!  WITH A ZIPPER!