Dear Lucy,

Please go to sleep sweet little bear. You will feel better if you do. We all will.

Love,
Mommy

****

Dear Julia,

I am sorry that I dropped you off at the curb this morning like every other parent does instead of parking the van and hauling my ass and your sleeping sister all the way to the door of the school. I truly missed watching you stop, wave and blow me kisses every five steps down the hallway. It’s so sweet when you do that. But not when we’re late.

Oh and to answer your question: “SO YOU’RE JUST GONNA LEAVE ME HERE!?!?!?” Yes. That’s actually what the whole dropping you off at school thing is about: leaving you there. It’s called going to school.

Love,
Mommy

****

Dear Lucy,

Are you serious? Come on! GO.TO.SLEEP.

Love,
Mommy

****

Dear Julia,

When I give you that look, you know, the look that made everyone else in the IGA get quiet and scared? It means QUIT STANDING IN THE DOORWAY MAKING THE AUTOMATIC DOOR SWING OPEN AND SHUT. Everyone was annoyed with you. Especially me.

And when I hiss through gritted teeth, “You are in so much trouble,” it is not an appropriate time to ask for a cookie. Unless you want to eat that cookie through your ass.

Love,
Mommy

****

Dear Lucy,

Please go to sleep. Please. For the love of God, please.

Love,
Mommy

****

Dear Julia,

I appreciate the fact that you are trying very hard not to make me mad and to be nice to me, but telling me every five minutes that you are being nice ruins the whole thing. Because it makes me mad.

Also, telling me, “Daddy said if I’m nice to you, I’ll get a cookie,” doesn’t help your cause one bit. And it kind of gets your Dad in trouble.

Love,
Mommy

****

Dear Lucy,

I CANNOT TAKE THIS ANYMORE!!!! GO! THE FUCK! TO SLEEP!!!!

Love,
Mommy