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Nov
7
The Breaking Point
by Leslie
I try to shield my kids from my grown-up worries. I like to think I do a good job of keeping them feeling happy and secure, in spite of our paycheck to paycheck financial situation. But it’s been too much for too long and I think my facade is wearing thin. They don’t have to know details to know I’m stressed. They still feel the pressure.
This morning, I set out to do the thing that brings me the most comfort when I feel like things are out of control: clean. Intensely.
In Julia’s words, I “scrubbed the shit out of those floors.”
After I’d done as much worrying and disinfecting as humanly possible, I announced that it was time to have some fun. I put on some music and started to dance with my bad self. I invited the girls to join me. They were cautious at first. They eyed me up for a few moments with Is that our Mom? expressions. Then a smile crept across Julia’s face. I could almost see the weight lift off her shoulders as she jumped up and shouted, “Yeah! Let’s dance!” Soon we were all grooving and giggling, like we used to. In the old days.
The space between songs was filled with hugs and declarations of, “I love you, Mommy! This is fun! I love it when you’re happy!” And when I took a break and walked into the kitchen for a drink, I heard Julia tell Lucy, “Mommy is happy! Don’t ruin it! Be good! Don’t make her mad.”
The words hit me like a wall. Suddenly, I was a little girl peeking out of my cracked bedroom door debating whether I had to pee bad enough to risk bugging my father who was pacing in the hallway. I wasn’t afraid to bug him because he was mean. I was afraid because he was worried. And seeing my father worry, like he was in trouble, was scarier than any trouble I could get in myself.
I realized I couldn’t even remember the last time we had a dance party.
I thought about how many times I’ve said, “No, Honey. I can’t play that game / come to your tea party / help you build a submarine / make cookies / fingerpaint / be a monster / babysit your doll / be your patient / show you the hand jive right now,” in the past few weeks.
And how many times I’ve had to ask, “What did you say? I’m sorry. I was thinking about something.”
I thought about how many times they’ve seen me cry, lately.
And how many times I’ve said, “Come on, girls. I’ve had about all I can take. Is it too much to ask for you to just give me a minute?!?!?”
It’s been too much to ask. I’ve got to do better.
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Ooooooh. Aaaaah.
Hugs.
I guess your stress won’t just go away, so I won’t wish that for you, but it shows that you really are a great mother to recognize the issue and try to change your ways.
Oh, thanks. I want to kids to have happy childhoods. I don’t want them growing up feeling like we had hard times. It’s my burden to carry, not theirs.
Kids are just so sensitive. Hope you’ll find a better balance between thinking about how to make the money last and still enjoy life with your girls!
It doesn’t help that I am no good at hiding my emotions. If I feel bad, you can tell. And those girls know me pretty well.
I totally understand where you are coming from- financially (or lack there of…) and being too preoccupied. But I also think that you are a great Mommer and 2 minutes of dancing really does go a long way!
Hugs-
Thank you. It’s hard to shake off something that you’re thinking about EVERY MOMENT. It’s hard not to let money troubles consume you.
Man Leslie, I swear we are long lost sisters. I have been feeling the EXACT same way this week. I too have felt like I am failing the kids and putting them off way to much. Then, a few days agao it hit me, I am my father. When he got stressed he would go around the house cleaning and organizing and sighing over every piece of clutter that he picked up off of the floor and my sisters and I would just stay out of his way. I found myself doing the exact same thing on Friday when I was putting away the seventh load of laundry. Stupid laundry. I know I need to make an effort to correct this because I don’t want Aaron and Elyse to grow up feeling the way that I did about Dad sometimes.
Julia and the “cleaned the shit out of that floor” commment made me squirt tears I was laughing so hard. That girl is too much.
Exactly. Not that I don’t love my dad, but I do not want to make my girls feel the way he often made me feel. And if there is anything that will make me get up and dust the worry off, it’s that.
You know what is the craziest thing? When I was young, we had no money. But that was when the best memories came for me, because my parents had to TRY to entertain us. My siblings and I always thought it was so fun to take baths together (save money on the water bill), have fashion shows with my cousins clothes (aka hand-me-downs) and “decorate” our kitchen like a restaurant (because we hadn’t been in one in Gd knew how long). Looking back, I know it wasn’t the best times for my folks, but we HAD A BLAST.
I wonder how to balance the financial needs of paying bills and such (boooo) and the financial desires of having more and more…
I think that focusing on what you DO have rather than what you don’t is the best way to get through tough times. It’s just hard when you can’t let go of the worry. I’m not good enough at hiding my emotions for the kids not to see that I’m preoccupied with it. It won’t be like this forever, though. We won’t always struggle. At least I hope not!
You’re a great Mom, Leslie. Don’t be too hard on yourself. I could picture you all dancing as I was reading your post! Hope to get to see you guys soon.
Aw, thanks, Brenda. We’ve missed you all, too. We hope to see you Saturday!
It’s been a while since I’ve visited, but I can sooooo totally appreciate what you are saying…awareness is the key and you are there…I can’t tell you how many of those moments I had while Specs and her brother were growing up…I think you need to know that EVERYONE has those moments…honest, everyone has had a time where they just want to say, ‘please leave me alone so I can work this through or process…just leave me alone’ and sometimes we get angry or pissy or whatever…
Awareness will help you stay your course in a healthy and GUILT FREE way, cause honestly, you DO NEED that ME TIME…don’t feel guilty taking it and DANCE…kicks in those endorphins and makes all good with the world! Thanks for visiting my place!
I feel like I’m having too many of those moments, lately. But dancing did help. I think the fact that I’ve been missing workouts is contributing to my stress level. I need to get back to it. Everything is easier to manage when I get to work out.
I go in waves like that too when I seem to ignore my kids a lot. It’s kinda been like that lately and after reading your post, I’m going to carve out some special time for them today.
Stress sucks. That’s awesome that you clean when you are stressed. I pull the covers over my head.
It’s a cycle for me. I get stressed and preoccupied, I don’t spend enough time with the kids, I feel guilty, then stressed and preoccupied. Spending time with them always helps me feel better, and yet, I end up in the same rut again and again. Sometimes I think that I’m just not so smart.
Most parents are like that, but you’re right. We need to do better.
We all have those moments. My moments are stretching into hours, though, so it’s time for a change.
It’s hard to shield them from everything, but good for you for recognizing that you should try. Your girls are lucky to have a mama like you.
I hope they feel that way! I don’t want them to look back when they’re grown and think I was an asshole most of the time.