I ran a little over one mile today. (Also yesterday.) On purpose. This is mostly because:

1) When the monster cupcakes were gone, Julia asked who ate the last one and then commented it was, “Probably Mommy.”

2) Lucy hugged me and snuggled close and said, “Mommy, your tummy is so big and soft like a pillow. I think it’s full of water!”

3) I saw some photos of me among a group of parade-goers that included a view of my backside. Now, I’ve spent plenty of time pulling, stretching and adjusting my shirts to cover my waterbed belly and create an illusion of shirt puff and, therefore, have grown quite familiar with its disturbing appearance, but the view from the back was a horrific shock. There’s so much junk in my trunk there is now (once again, unfortunately) a shelf above it to accommodate the excess. I voted myself “Most Likely to Appear on The People of WalMart website.”

4) I gained 12 pounds in 149 days.

5) I had to buy bigger underwear.

6) My friend Amy called me up (and by “called me up” I mean “sent me a message on Facebook.” Facebook is the new phone call.) and said, “Let’s go, baby. Let’s go, baby. C’mon! Take a cue from me now, I’m saying baby, let’s go!” (except it was more like, “OK, I have got to get back on the wagon…Wanna hop back on the wagon with me?” But I could feel that the message was sent in the spirit of Wang Chung.) And then I changed her ringtone on my phone from “Take Me Home Country Roads” by John Denver (which NEVER fails to make me cry) to “The Warrior” by Scandal, even though we never call each other unless you consider Facebook the new phone call in which case we call all the time. But it doesn’t involve a ringtone. Still, who you are to me is best summed up by the ringtone I’ve selected for you on my phone, whether you call me or not.

Anyway, I ran today. And after the running part, during the cooling down and walking home part, it started to rain. Hard. And a lot. My shoes got squishy and I pretended I was James Blunt in the “Beautiful” video except I kept my clothes on. I mostly walked sexy with a sultry expression and I don’t think he even does that in the video, but that’s what I was doing.

It’s been a long time since I pretended to be in a video. I think I’ll run again tomorrow.

Yesterday, I turned 35.

Tomorrow, Julia will be 7.

Today, we had playgroup and Monster cupcakes.

Eat me.

“Don’t call me Gaga.”

Here are a bunch of them ready to go to t-ball.

Monster cupcakes!!

Monster cupcakes: “We’re gonna eat you!”

T-ball team: “Not if we eat you first!”**

** This is totally a made up conversation. Monster cupcakes don’t talk. They use telepathy. Look at the dude up front and center. What is he telling you?

Tomorrow Julia will wake up with a dollar bill under her pillow along with a clue that will lead her to another dollar bill with a clue that will lead her to another dollar bill until she has a dollar bill for every year she has lived. Since she considers herself “rich” with a whole $4 in her bank, I’m thinking the seven dollar scavenger hunt is gonna blow her mind. I’m taking bets for how many days will go by before I have to ask her for a loan. (Insider tip: three days is a good bet, but if you win, that means I’m broke and couldn’t pay you anyway. You may want to make a bet with Julia.)

Tomorrow night, Julia’s BFF will be coming over for a Spajama Party. That’s right – SPAjama Party. We’re going to do their nails and facials and put cucumber slices over their eyes and washable pink highlights in their hair. There will be a Dr. Scholl’s foot bath involved. Pizza will be eaten as well as ice cream cake. And while Julia blows out her candles and wishes for something like a lifetime supply of cotton candy, I’ll be praying she doesn’t get knocked up in high school or a DUI and makes it to college and graduates before she starts worrying about finding someone to commit to because there’s no need to rush. There’s plenty of time for everything. “Life is long,” I tell her. Until your baby is turning 7. Then it’s way too short.

life has been crazy
so, it’s another haiku
but I’ve made a list

Things I Want To Write About:

1. Softball. T-ball. Softball vs. T-ball. Working Title: Softball Is Anything But Soft.

2. Lucy’s piano class.

3. World War G: Julia vs. Mommy.

4. Phoebe’s newfound mobility. With video?

5. The Great Snail Invasion.

6. Okay, so I’m fat: Things you shouldn’t say unless you’re ready to sumo wrestle me (i.e. Fat Friend Conversation Ettiquette).

7. My awesome husband. (That’s not sarcasm.)

Of course, you realize now that I’ve made a list and published it, the rebel in me won’t allow me to abide by it. Unless I rebel against my inner rebel. It could happen. I’m all deep thoughts up in here!

Another haiku:

haikus are great as
they force me to be concise
and get to the point

And just one more:

Lucy says to me:
“I’m a unicorn and my
horn is musical!”

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