Yesterday, I had my last ultrasound.
For the past three months, the main objective of those weekly tests was to complete a biophysical profile to determine Jackson’s health. The biophysical profile includes a measurement of five things via ultrasound: amniotic fluid (mine was 43.6 cm), heart rate, movement, muscle tone (specifically the extension/flexion of limbs ), and breathing. Yesterday, Jack quickly met all of the criteria, save for a practice breathing episode. Babies usually practice breathing every half hour, so we waited and watched. I was given a beautiful gift of ten quiet moments with my son. I saw him open and close his hands, pedal his legs, stretch, roll and rub his face. Finally, he practiced breathing. The nurse said, “There we go. Healthy baby!” And the screen went black. “The next time you see him, you’ll be face to face.”
Words cannot express how much I’m anticipating that moment.
This pregnancy has been stressful. (Is it ridiculous that I feel guilty admitting that?) Every ounce of excitement has been dampened with worry. I’ve felt heavy – physically and emotionally. My heart tells me we’ll be fine. My boy is okay. But we’ve been given reason to doubt. And when you’re blessed with a dash of irrational and a scoop of crazy, like me, you start reading way too much in to even the silly stuff and you start looking for signs. (P.S. Thanks a heap, YouTube for recommending I watch the video “The Birth and Death of My Son” based upon my previous viewing history of a “Skip Hop Versa Diaper Bag Review.” That was awesome!)
“If my life were a book or a movie, this is the moment when tragedy would strike,” I told the nurse yesterday. “I have so, so much – an incredible husband, amazing girls…really, what else is there? I have everything.” My life is like the prologue to a Disney movie – you know, before they kill off the mom.
“But life isn’t a book or a movie. You can’t assume you’ll be punished for being happy. You have your husband and your girls and soon, you’ll have your son.”
Tomorrow I will have my son.
Tonight, I’ll have pizza and snuggles on the couch with Dave and my girls while we watch Wreck-It Ralph.
And forever, I’ll be grateful – for loving and being loved by those people.