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Go Nigel, Go!
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Would You Like To Buy My Monkeys?
Jul
9
Julia, On God
by Leslie
“Mom, what does God look like?”
“I don’t know. I’ve never seen God.”
“Well, I have.”
“You’ve seen God?”
“Yes.”
“So, what does God look like?”
“Like the guy on the dollar bill.”
Jun
27
My Little Entrepreneur
by Leslie
Today at the Farmer’s Market…
Julia: “Hi! We’re selling Mama’s buckeyes. They’re a dollar! Would you like one?”
Customer #1: “Well, how can I resist that? Sure. I’ll take one.”
Julia: Takes the dollar, studies it, then stows it away.
Customer #2: “Good morning! What do we have here?”
Julia: “We’re selling buckeyes. They’re fifty dollars!”
Jun
18
A Dump In The Life
by Leslie
I walk into the bathroom, close the door, pull down my skivies and before my butt hits the seat, Julia bursts through the door. “Mom, I gotta pee.”
“Well, hold on. I’m going right now.”
“Okay.” She stands there and looks at me. “I don’t hear anything,” she says, “I don’t hear you peeing.”
“That’s because I’m not peeing.”
“What are you doing then?”
“What do you think I’m doing?”
“Pooping?”
“You got it.”
“Alright. I’m gonna go out here, but I’m leaving the door open so I know when you’re done.”
“How about you close the door and I’ll come out when I’m done.”
“Okay.” She walks out and closes the door. Approximately 45 seconds later, the door swings open, she pops her head in and says, “You done yet?”
“No. I am not done. Close the door. I’ll come out when I’m done.”
“I could stand here and wait on you.”
“No thank you. Please close the door.”
“Well, I was just hoping you would be done right now.”
I make a polite suggestion. “You could go upstairs to the other bathroom.”
“That’s alright.”
“Okay, well…please close the door.”
She closes the door, but stays inside the bathroom.
“Julia?”
“Yes?”
“Will you please go outside and close the door?”
“You’re still not done yet?”
“No I am not. Please, just go out and close the door.”
She obliges, but spends the remainder of time I am in the bathroom banging various rhythms against the door while giving me play-by-play commentary on what is happening outside the door. “Daddy is holding Lucy but she’s real squirmy. I think someone’s hungry! You better hurry! Lucy needs you! Christy is sniffing my shoe! Oh, no. There’s an ant….”
Finally, I am done. Julia knows this because she hears the flush, so she rushes right in and makes her way to the pot while letting her pants fall to her ankles. I begin to wash my hands as she is climbing on and she says, “Mom, can you please leave? I like to use the bathroom alone.”
Jun
17
By Invitation Only
by Leslie
Julia is turning four next Tuesday and has requested a princess party with her playgroup friends to celebrate. I asked her what makes a party a princess party. She said, “A princess cake and princess balloons.”
I can do that, I think.
And so, we made invitations.
After we printed them, we dipped each paper in cooled tea for about ten seconds and dried them with a hair dryer to give them that old parchment paper look and feel. Then, we rolled them up like scrolls, tied them with ribbon and hand delivered them. “Because it’s princessy,” Julia said.
Jun
10
Some Letters To Explain Why You Won’t Find Us At The Mall Again This Summer, Even If Zombies Attack
by Leslie
Dear Moms And Kids At The Mall Play Area,
I’m sorry my daughter was such a jerk. She really knows better. I think she took some LSD today or something.
My Deepest Apologies,
The Bad Kid’s Mom
Dear Likely Child Abuser At The Mall Play Area,
Thank you for bringing my daughter’s bad behavior to my attention. I only wish you would have talked to me rather than go all Full Metal Jacket and scream in her face. This was not a fun way to learn that she had done something wrong.
I appreciate your deep concern for my child’s discipline, but you should know that she already has two parents. The job is filled whether you like the way we do it or not.
My condolences to your children.
Sincerely,
The Bad Mom
Dear Snatchy Old Ladies,
I am sorry that my daughter’s temper tantrum disturbed your post-mall-walk treat at Auntie Anne’s today. It was quite a fit - her worst ever - so, I don’t blame you for staring as I dragged her by. Her screaming was probably the reason your hearing aid was squealing! But was the tsk tsking really necessary? Were you trying to make the situation more tense, upsetting and uncomfortable? Because you did.
I understand that you disapproved of what was happening. Hell, I disapproved of what was happening. But expressing your disapproval did nothing to help and everything to make matters worse. If you really wanted to get involved, you could have offered to babysit.
Sincerely,
The Mom Who Couldn’t “Get Her Kid Under Control”
Dear Julia,
If you ever again act like you did today, I will end you.
Love,
Mommy
Jun
5
Greetings Pals And Gals, From Flat Julia
by Leslie
I’m not great at geography. It isn’t due to laziness or anything, it just seems that may brain isn’t wired to retain that kind of information. Maybe it’s all that alcohol I drank in college. Once after a night of drinking ouzo, I lost the ability to juggle. So, I suppose it’s possible that one too many keg stands could have wiped out the neural pathways responsible for understanding geography. Whatever the reason, I struggle with knowing what is where in the world.
In an effort to save my daughter from the same fate, and in hopes of improving my own condition, I’ve tried to provide her with tools and experiences to sharpen her skills. We’ve spent a lot of time putting together her wooden puzzles of the world and the U.S.A. and talking about what is where. In doing this, I realized that she can easily remember locations if someone we know lives there. When I mentioned this to one of the moms in our playgroup, she suggested that we check out The Flat Stanley Project.
And so, we took a trip to the library and borrowed the book that inspired the project: Flat Stanley
We printed out a map (for free! from here) and started a journal to keep track of Flat Julia’s travels. And now, we just need to find a sweet hook up in each state in the country to send her to so we can learn and find friends and make the world a better place.
How cool is that? I’ll tell you: VERY.
If you think you could give Flat Julia a rockin’ good time, let me know. Perhaps we’ll send her your way.
May
31
My little bee had her dance recital this weekend. She was so excited about it. Not so much about the dancing part - she does that every week in class - but, the wearing her recital costume part - the recital costume I’ve been guarding like Cerberus to keep intact for the big recital. And I was proud to say it survived more than a month of attempts to snatch it for dress up play, one photo shoot, and two dress rehearsals.
Like I was saying, I was proud…
As I was getting her dressed in the waiting room before the show, she pulled her bee antennae headband out of her bag and it snapped. I couldn’t believe it. I just stood there staring at the pieces. Thankfully, one of the other mothers stepped in and helped me Macgyver it to her head, just in time for me to get back to my seat and worry through eight performances about whether or not it held up for hers.
It did.
Julia was adorable. She performed twice - a tap routine and a ballet routine. You can see them both here.
When the show was done, I gave her flowers, a balloon and some candy. I was so proud of her. And I think she felt pretty good about herself, too.
May
20
Well Played, Julia
by Leslie
Julia: “Mommy, it’s Julia Annoying Day!”
Me: “What does that mean?”
Julia: “It means I get to be annoying today!”
Me: “Jules, I think you get to do that everyday.”
Julia: “Mom! Tomorrow can be your annoying day. Today is mine.”
May
19
A Star Is Born
by Leslie
Julia had her very first piano recital over the weekend. I’m not sure there are words strong enough to describe just how proud I am of her. She played her piece flawlessly. And she kept her finger out of her nose. Take a look:
May
10
Down With The Sickness
by Leslie
It all started with Julia catching a cold. I’m not sure how she caught it - kids catch colds, yo - but I’d been trying to convince her that it was because she picks her nose so much. Cure the cold, cure the nosepicking. Two birds, one stone. That’s what I was thinking. Anyhow, she got it first.
A few days later, Dave had it.
By Wednesday afternoon, I had it.
And by Thursday, my three week old baby had it and I officially became THE WORST MOTHER KNOWN TO MAN. Not only did I allow my newborn baby to get sick, I GAVE IT TO HER.
It really was inevitable. She spends 89.6% of her time within two feet of my face - the place with three germ spewing holes. The good news is, I also have these amazing breasts that produce extra-super-fantastic-miracle milk. So, we settled into bed for a nursing marathon, hoping that the power of the boob would prevail over the sickness.
By Friday, the sickness had come on full force and I was miserable. Lucy was congested. Julia was all better and completely bored with being stuck at home with sick people. Dave was making requests for me to get some of his jeans in the laundry and, well, let’s just put it in the form of an equation in which BP = Bored Preschooler, IH = Insensitive Husband, SM = Sick Mommy and CB = Congested Baby:
I spent the next twelve hours doing everything I possibly could to make Lucy feel comfortable. In between feedings, I administered saline drops. I held her in the shower with some Shower Soothers. I ran the vaporizor. And I woke up this morning with a pulled muscle in my back from holding her in crazy positions that opened up her nasal passages and allowed her to sleep.
She seems to be feeling better. Her congestion has cleared up enough to allow her to sleep soundly next to me as I type to you. And the fact that I’m blogging right now rather than sleeping could mean that I am A) crazy or B) a genius who has figured out how to survive without sleep altogether!
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I Write A Haiku Each Day
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Categories
- Daily Haiku
- Mommy’s Stuff
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You Should Do This
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Ooooooh. Aaaaah.
